


Indeterminate

by sadhuening



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: ...or like lots of them, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Art Student Choi Soobin, Bottom Huening Kai, Choi Soobin-Centric, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Eventual Smut, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Technician Huening Kai, Top Choi Soobin, and sex, basically fluff with a pinch of angst, because it's a bunch of hormonal teenagers what do you expect from me, lots of bantering, sookai boyfriends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:15:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 35,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27542935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadhuening/pseuds/sadhuening
Summary: "A fucking email?!" Soobin tears right into him, not caring that the younger man is clearly groggy with sleep. "I get a fucking email?!""Soobinie,"His boyfriend whispers to the receiver, sighing tiredly, but then his resignation turns into indignation."Do you have any idea what time it is?""It's a clobbering time, that's what time it is!" Soobin seethes. "Why didn't you call to tell me this shit, Kai?""Because I knew you'd be angry,"Kai defends his choice of action petulantly."For future reference: knowing that what you have to say will upset me is precisely the reason why you should call to tell me, not say it in a goddamn email."(There is no doubt in Soobin's mind that his relationship with Kai is the most important thing in his life, and instinctively he decides that everything has to make way for them to be together. All Soobin wants for his life is to be with Kai – for a hundred days, even for more than that, he yearned to just be with him again. Why would Soobin ever sacrifice that for a one-in-a-million chance at becoming an artist?He’s never been so wrong.)
Relationships: Choi Soobin & Choi Beomgyu & Choi Yeonjun, Choi Soobin & Huening Kai, Choi Soobin/Huening Kai
Comments: 33
Kudos: 315





	Indeterminate

The phone rings, counting down his patience. The higher the number climbs, the more Soobin’s nostrils flare as he waits for the answer to come. Something beeps. Inside the dark and cooling microwave, his mac-and-cheese is going to waste.

_Five… six… seven… eight… ni—_

A familiar voice clears his throat. " _Hello?_ "

"A fucking email?!" Soobin tears right into him, not caring that the younger man is clearly groggy with sleep. "I get a fucking email?!"

" _Soobinie,"_ His boyfriend whispers to the receiver, sighing tiredly, but then his resignation turns into indignation. _"Do you have any idea what time it is?"_

"It's a clobbering time, that's what time it is!" Soobin seethes. "I come home from my shift at the bar, boot up my laptop to watch something stupid on Youtube while I eat this awful shit of a dinner— _fuck!"_ he turns in his seat and cast a look over his shoulder at the kitchen. It doesn't matter, he has lost his appetite anyway. "—and I see I have an email, an _email_!" The older man wants him to acknowledge how fucking stupid it is to break the news to him through an email. The formal nature of it is upsetting, like he’s some sort of a colleague being blown off. "Why didn't you call to tell me this shit, Kai?"

" _Because I knew you'd be angry,"_ Kai defends his choice of action petulantly.

"For future reference: knowing that what you have to say will upset me is _precisely_ the reason why you should call to tell me, _not_ say it in a goddamn email."

" _I'm sorry,"_ he whines pathetically. Soobin hears the rustle of sheets and the soft sigh as he lies back down in bed.

It’s ridiculous how Soobin’s anger immediately deflates. He _really_ wants to stay angry with the little shit, but he could never manage. Kai has a way of disarming him, even though just the silence over the phone. He stares at the screen of his laptop, at the single-line email from his work-address. He read it again and again, as if he hadn't already been through that process of denial before he even got heated enough to pick up the phone and call Kai at four in the morning.

The text doesn't change and he doesn't misread it. It’s a roller coaster of disappointment all over again.

" _Again_?" Soobin groans.

Kai is silent for a while, perhaps to yawn or tiredly rub his eyes. _"Again."_

"Goddammit, baby."

" _You canceled last time!"_ Kai is quick to remind him.

"Yeah and I remember you being pretty pissed at me. Fuck," Soobin groans and sat back in the chair. "I was pissed at _myself_."

" _It couldn't be helped, just like it can't be helped this time. I have my projects. You have your classes."_

"How can you be so calm about this?"

" _I wasn't_ — _not at first."_

Soobin demands to know. "How long have you known?"

" _Hoseok broke the news to us on Monday,"_ he admits miserably.

" _Jesus fucking Christ_. Anything else you're not telling me?"

" _That I miss you so much it hurts?"_

A bittersweet smile appears on Soobin’s lips. Kai’s voice sounds so good, even if it’s a little different over the phone. Still smooth and deep with that hint of whine that always seeps out naturally everytime he speaks. Maybe it’s because of the little anonymity and privacy that a phone call allowed, but he notices over the summer that Kai is more open and easily talked about the things that made him very self-conscious not too long ago. Soobin feels like he’d told him everything, like even though they are miles apart, they are somehow closer and there are no secrets between them to widen the distance between Seoul and Jeju.

Apparently he’s wrong, but he knows it isn't a malicious secret on Kai's part: it’s clear that the sudden leave upsets the younger man just as much as it does him and being the angel he is, Kai wants to spare them both. But still, Soobin yearns to feel him again: feast upon the beautiful sight and the taste of him; have him lean his head against his shoulder; hear him breathe softly as he sleeps; see him get dressed in those ridiculously cute pajamas that don’t match and watch him play with his plushies. He wants _everything_.

Soobin misses him so much and every time their planned weekend falls through, he misses him even more.

"I love you, baby." Soobin whispers softly, eyes glistening a little.

" _I love you too, Binnie."_ Kai whispers back.

"You know what this means, right?" he starts forlornly.

" _Hm?"_

"We haven't seen each other since graduation, and we won't see each other until I finish up here mid-October and fly out there."

Kai had decided to take professor Hoseok's offer to join his research and development team in Jeju; that meant he had to leave mere hours after the graduation ceremony in July. Soobin wanted to go with him – his first summer class at the Seoul Institute of the Arts or better known as SIA didn't start until five days later – but there’s still a lot to arrange and he knew they would only distract each other. Besides, Kai was worried that it would be even harder to part ways if he first joined him in Jeju for a few days. In hindsight he was probably right. Soobin probably wouldn't have been able to tear himself away from him. So, he stayed behind and eventually headed to Seoul for the summer course.

They had planned for Soobin to fly out to Jeju every other weekend, but something always got in the way, Kai's schedule mostly. There was a lot of pressure on him to prove himself as a valuable asset to the team – since he was a recent graduate amongst seasoned colleagues – and Hoseok kept them busy.

Soobin’s own workload wasn’t easy to juggle either. The summer course was very intensive, and He appreciated that. He wanted to learn as much as possible, seeing as he never got the chance to study art for four years, which was what he always wanted. Soobin eagerly and naively took on extra assignments and the professors were happy to help him, enthused by his motivation and drive. They made an effort to accommodate meetings with him in their schedule and in turn, he had to adjust his own plans to suit their time.

Soobin had to cancel twice. Kai had to cancel every other time. Honestly, it’s a strain on their long-distance relationship, but they accepted that and they couldn't expect the other to give up something that’s so important for a single weekend. But this?

This is something else.

" _A hundred days,"_ Kai says, his pleasant voice interrupting his musings.

"Hm? What?"

" _It will be a hundred days since we last saw each other."_

Soobin nods, that sounds about right – yet at the same time sounds so _wrong_. "Ninety-nine days too long."

" _Not a hundred days too long?"_ He shoots back, his tone bemused.

"Please, I can last one day without you," he deadpans. "Never slept so well in his life the night after graduation; without you tossing and turning and getting up at stupid o'clock to drink cola."

Lies. Soobin hasn't slept a wink, but he doesn’t tell him that.

" _Same. You snore."_

Soobin laughs softly at his sarcasm. "I shouldn't have called," he says as a poor excuse of an apology. "It's late and you have work tomorrow."

" _It's okay, Binnie. I'm glad you called. I’m so sorry, I shouldn't have told you in a stupid email like that."_

Soobin smiles at the phone. That is exactly what he needs to hear without even realizing it. With a small sigh he leans back to the chair and the sound of sheets rustling comes through the line again.

"You wanna go back to sleep, Angel?"

" _Hmm… No."_

His smile twists into a playful grin. "What are you wearing?" he revels in his breathy chuckle.

" _Lace panties."_

A short laugh erupts out of him. "Wouldn't that be a sight," Soobin pauses to give the fantasy some thoughts. He can hear Kai’s breathing deepens and he knows instantly what he wants from this phone call now that he’d rudely awoken him.

"You want it, baby?" With a grin, Soobin begins to tease him. A tiny moan escapes Kai and the sound goes straight to his groin. He drops one hand into his lap, the weight of it alone causing fiery sensations to spread through his body. "Hold on, don't get started without me."

Soobin quickly closes his laptop and the room goes dark. In the darkness, he gropes his way to the bedroom, past the rooms of his two roommates. He nearly trips on a bundle of clothes on the floor at the foot of his bed. With a groan Soobin kicks the pile away and makes himself comfortable on his bed, sitting up with a pillow behind him, propped up against the headboard. With one hand he pops the buttons of his pants in preparation. Soobin can hear Kai shift in his bed and the scraping sound of the drawer of his nightstand opening.

"Do you want to hear about my day?" he says with a purr.

Kai giggles softly and it sounds like music to his ears. "Yeah… Tell me about your day."

"I sat in on this really long lecture by professor Taehyung. I told you how he can drag on, right? He starts talking poetic about this painting, with a picture of it on the screen behind him. Cezanne's 'Seven Bathers': seven guys in the buff, bathing in a spring in the forest. All I could think about was when I last saw you soaking wet… Flustered after a hot shower… Water droplets running down your body… I wanted to trace their every path with my tongue."

" _Fuck, Binnie,"_ he mewls.

"You're not touching yourself yet, right?"

" _No. I'm listening."_

“Good boy.” Soobin praises him before he continues. "I got so hard, thinking about you. I got so hard, baby, just like I'm getting hard for you right now."

Kai releases a shuddering breath.

"What about you? Are you hard for me?"

" _Yes,"_ he whines.

"I realized during that lecture that I haven't fucked you in the shower yet. I was intending to amend that this weekend."

" _Mmm, I'm sorry."_

"Oh, I know you are," he quips. "When I finally get to Jeju we are going to christen every room in that apartment. You're in your bedroom right now, right?"

" _Yeah._ "

"Describe it to me."

His boyfriend pauses, momentarily confused by the turn the conversation has taken. Usually, the classic approach of describing what they are wearing is enough, leading into their phone-sex sessions.

" _Uhm… The big bed is across from the door.”_ Kai begins uncertainty. _“There's a dresser to the right and two narrow floor-to-ceiling windows on the left. I put one of the lounge chairs from the living room in the corner and I got a nice, soft rug last week._ "

Soobin tries to picture it. It’s strange that he has no idea what Kai’s apartment looked like, even though he will be moving in with him this fall. "I'm not just going to fuck you in that bed, but that's probably where we'll start out. I'm going to fuck you exactly where you are laying right now, with your legs over my shoulders."

Kai lets out a small, appreciative moan. _“Y-You will?”_

"Yeah. And I'm going to bend you over that dresser and you will have to brace yourself because I plan to fuck you hard. You want that, don't you?"

" _Yes,"_ he admits pathetically.

"And before I fuck you against those windows, you're going to take a seat in that chair so I can suck you off. I love having your hard cock in my mouth; it feels so good and the sounds you make—" Soobin groans, losing himself to his own fantasy. "I want to hear you, baby. Let me hear you."

" _Ah!... Can I touch myself yet?"_

"Not yet." Soobin resists the urge to fondle himself through his underwear. "And we won't be done in the bedroom until I've laid on my back on that rug and you've ridden me. I want to see you pleasuring yourself on my cock."

" _Oh God…"_

Soobin can hear the embarrassment in his voice and knows he’s blushing – it’s titillating.

"The bathroom comes after that. Against the sink; In the bathtub; In the shower stall.” he chuckles deeply. “I think I'm not going to let us graduate to 'kitchen-level' until I've made you come with just my cock, without you touching yourself, like you did that very first time. Do you think you can do that?"

" _Yes."_ The word is muffled as he must have been biting his pillow. _"Binnie, I want you inside me so badly."_

"Can you come with just your favorite toy inside you?"

" _No,"_ Kai whines with apparent disappointment. _"It's not the same. It doesn't feel as good as your cock."_

"It'll have to do for now."

" _Yeah…"_

"Do you have it ready?"

" _Hmhm."_

Soobin lets his hands wander over the shape of his erection under the thin layer of fabric stretched taut. "Rub it against your dick for me."

" _C-Can I turn it on?"_

The way his boyfriend keeps asking for permission yet again makes him smile. It thrills him, having control, taking in the surge of added pleasure. "Not yet."

It’s quiet for a moment, then soft moans start pouring from his lips as he rubs the vibrator against himself.

"Imagine it's me."

" _It's not as big as you,"_ he argues dumbly, but he moans more loudly nevertheless.

"It'll have to do," Soobin repeats with a sly grin. He palms himself through his underwear and makes sure not to bite back his groan, knowing his boyfriend would enjoy hearing him. Not being able to stand it any longer, Soobin gets his boxer briefs out of the way and takes his dick into his hand. "Tell me what you're doing."

" _I'm rubbing the tip of it against the underside of the head."_

Soobin touches himself in a similar fashion, lightly, with the tip of his fingers.

" _And now I'm running it down the length and back up…"_

"Yeah." he follows the actions he’s describing. "Did you apply the lube yet?"

" _Not yet. Do you want me to?"_

"Hmhm."

" _I'm going to put you on speaker."_

Shortly after that, Soobin can clearly hear the cap of the bottle of lube being popped off. He imagines the younger man lubing up the medium-sized vibrator that he’d sent him a few weeks ago to spice up their phone calls. Soobin made him promise to only use it when they were having phone sex, as a way to make their sessions more intimate and special, and connecting them in a way they hadn't been able to since July – or an approximation thereof anyway. Of course it’s not as good as really being together, but Soobin knows his boyfriend looked forward to these calls as much as he does.

" _What do you want me to do?"_ asks Kai. His voice sounds a little different, a little more distant, now that he’s on speaker, but he knows the baby would need both hands.

Soobin wishes he could put him on speaker and free both his hands as well, but he can't risk either of his roommates overhearing them. He knows they wouldn't think much of it – they'd just bitch about him keeping them up at night, or tease him about the specifics. They know he’s gay and are fine with it – one of them is bi himself. Being gay isn't that big of a deal at The Art Institute. Regardless, he doesn't want them listening in on his conversation with Kai. It’s a private exchange and Soobin can’t deny that he’s a little bit too possessive of his boyfriend. There’s no way he lets anyone listen to those delicious sounds he makes—those are reserved only for him and no one else’s.

Remembering that Kai had asked him for instructions, he replies: "Baby, I want you to fuck your fist."

If his incessant moans are any indication, Soobin knows he wastes no time obeying his order. He squeezes his hand tightly around his own arousal and lifts his hips off the bed to thrust into it, closing his eyes so he can pretend that Kai is straddling him and he’s thrusting into his tight hole. Soobin pauses to wet his palm with his tongue before continuing. He lets them jerk themselves off for a minute, letting the pressure in their abdomen build.

Then he voices his next command: "Turn over. On your stomach, with your ass up, so I can fuck you."

" _Jesus, Soobin…"_ he breathes. The sheets rustle again as he shifts in his bed.

It’s not a challenge to imagine what he looks like at the moment. Soobin had watched him masturbate like that when they were still sharing that tiny dorm-room back at college. His face buried into his plushie to muffle his helpless moans, his pretty back arched so he could raise his hips, giving him enough room to keep stroking himself while also exposing his opening.

"Tease your hole with your finger."

" _No, I want—"_

" _Kai_ ," Soobin growls, knowing the younger man likes it when he’s being a bit controlling at this stage of the game.

He can tell Kai is biting on his bottom lip from the way his gasps sound and that he does as he’s told.

_"W-What are you doing?"_ he asks shyly.

"I'm getting ready to fuck you," Soobin says without hesitation. He sits up on his knees, picturing himself kneeling behind him, between his parted, thick thighs. Soobin reaches for his own tube of lube, wanting his fist to move easily over the length of his erection as he pretends to make love to his boyfriend. "Put that finger inside you and find your sweet spot."

" _Nnn… Nn… Ah!"_ Kai breathes in sharply and releases the air as one, drawn-out moan.

"That was quick. You've gotten good at that." It used to take him a while before he could massage his prostate just right to elicit such a response. Soobin is kind of proud.

" _I've had a lot of practice,"_ Kai admits in a whisper and then giggles breathily.

"I bet you have." he grins. Soobin likes having that effect on him, unraveling his control, encouraging him to give into his desires without restraint or guilt. Kai even confessed to him that some mornings he'd skip his morning routine to give himself time to masturbate at length, after waking up from a dream he had about him the previous night. "Now put the vibrator at your entrance."

" _Finally,"_ Kai whines through gritted teeth, making a hearty laugh erupt out of Soobin’s mouth. That’s probably too loud but he doesn’t care. _"Can I—Can I turn it on?"_

"No." Soobin says with a smirk while his boyfriend mumbles a curse at him.

With the smirk still intact on his face, Soobin sits back on his calves and forms a circle with his thumb and index finger, far too small for his penis to fit through. He puts the circle against the tip of his erection, rocking against it, pretending it’s Kai’s tight hole that is welcoming him.

"Push it in slowly." His voice is barely a whisper _–_ Soobin can hardly hear himself over the blood rushing through his ears.

" _Nnnghhg…"_

"Slowly, Angel, slowly…" Soobin urges while he widens the circle of his fingers to fit over the crown of his manhood before forming the digits into a tight fist. It’s the best he can do to simulate the feeling of burying himself deep inside the tightness. In the moment Soobin regrets resisting the temptation to buy another toy at that sex shop, one that he can slide over his erection; that would grip him the way Kai's tight hole would. "Feel it going into you. Feel it stretch you. Feel the head push past your prostate."

" _Ah! Nghh…. I wish it was you,"_ he mewls wantonly.

"It is me. That's my cock. You're going to help me fuck you." Soobin settles his fist around the base and wraps the fingers around the girth even more tightly, the way Kai would clench around him when a surge of pleasure hits him is driving him mad.

" _Oh, God..."_

"No need for formalities, Angel. You can just call me Soobin," he quips cheekily. His boyfriend can't even laugh at his joke, he just keeps moaning in response. "Move it in and out of you."

" _C-Can I please turn it on?"_

Soobin bites down a groan. Hearing him beg always does him wonder, but he’s not about to show him any mercy, not yet.

"No."

" _…I hate you_."

Soobin lets out a rumbling laugh. "Mmm, I'm going to have to work hard to amend that."

" _Maybe when we graduate to kitchen-level, I get to tease you like this."_

"You want to be the one in control?"

" _Maybe. Give you a taste of your own medicine."_

Soobin smiles. They haven't reversed the roles yet, but he’s open to it. Kai had previously made it clear that he might want to try it at some point, to be the one in charge, but never addressed it again. It’s a bit of a surprise, but not an unwelcome surprise.

" _But first I really want your dick up my ass,"_ he assures Soobin.

"Good…" Soobin bites his lip and moves his hips to work his arousal and in out of his own fist. "Make it nice, deep, long strokes. All the way out and all the way in."

Kai’s breathing is harsh and his moans raspy; the sounds burning the shell of Soobin’s red-hot ear. Slowly he builds up the pace, drawing more amazing sounds from his younger boyfriend. When he closes his eyes and loses himself to the sensations, it’s like Kai is right there in his twin bed, rocking back against him with each inward thrust.

" _Please let me turn it on,"_ Kai pleads. _"Please…"_

"I'm starting to think you like that toy more than you like the real thing."

" _No. God, no… It's just-… Mmm… The vibrations are the only redeeming thing about this plastic monstrosity."_

"Uhmmm…" Soobin stalls to madden him. "Let me think about it."

" _P-Please, Binnie."_

"First make sure it's deep inside you. All the way in so only the end is sticking out of you."

" _Mmm. Yeah. Please."_

"You can turn it on now." Instantly Soobin hears the faint buzzing in the background before it’s quickly drowned out by his cry. "Feel good?"

" _So good,"_ he mewls.

"If you want me to let you in control, maybe you should tell me what you like about getting fucked," Soobin prompts cheekily.

" _Nnn. Could you stop making me blush like a schoolgirl?"_

Sooibn chuckles at his irritated tone. "I wish I could see you blush." He knows better than to ask him to send me a picture. They had been through that before.

Kai moans senselessly.

" _What do you like about it, Kai? Tell me."_ He waits with bated breath. He just wants to hear him talk, his lust thrives on it. His beautiful voice is thrilling. It’s the only thing that is real at the moment and he wants more of it to help his fantasy, to help him pretend that his boyfriend is in bed with him.

" _I like… I like the way it feels when I stretch around you. You feel so big I can feel the ridge of the crown and the bumps of the veins. I can feel it brush by my prostate and the shaft constantly presses against it. It's so intense."_

"Hmmm… keep going. This is good." Soobin starts stroking himself again. He doesn’t think it would take much longer for them both to reach their climax. The moans that interrupted his words start to get that familiar pitch to them.

" _When it's inside me I feel so full at first and it's just so… satisfying."_

"Oh, fuck."

" _But then I slowly start to get used to it and it feels even better because I feel like I'm complete."_

Soobin smiles. “Yeah? You feel complete, Angel?”

" _When you move… the friction is so good…"_ Kai bites back a sob. _"And I love making you lose control. I want to make you feel good. Better than all those girls."_

"I know. And it is better, baby. It's so much better with you."

"… _Soobin,"_ There’s an urgency to his voice. _"I'm so close."_

"I know, it's okay. Just keep talking to me."

" _I love it when you fuck me hard from behind and your balls hit me with each thrust. I love—Ah! I-I love the way your grip on my hips tightens when you're going to come. Soobin… Nnnh. I love it when you come inside me, filling me up. I love being stuffed with your cum."_

He speeds up the motion of his fist.

“ _A-And my orgasms are so much more intense when I can clench my muscles around your thick cock—Ah!"_

"Come for me now, Kai. Come with me—are you ready?"

Kai doesn’t give him an answer but his loud moan does it for him. Soobin groans loudly as Kai cries out his name desperately, the sound helping him to reach his climax. His hips thrust into his hand with wild abandon. His stomach feels tight and tense until his entire body suddenly relaxes and he drops back down onto the mattress, not caring about the way it creaks in the dead of night.

"… _my ass hurts."_ Kai whines after a moment.

A short laugh escapes Soobin. He doesn’t say anything, waiting for Kai’s breathing to even out. He listens as his boyfriend switches off the vibrator and he can distantly hear water running as he goes to the bathroom to clean himself off, momentarily leaving the phone on his bed. Soobin lazily reaches for the box of tissues on his nightstand and cleans the mess off his hand and the excess lube off his softening member.

Kai returns to his bed and it’s evident he takes the phone off speaker by the crisp quality of his voice as he speaks: _"Somehow I miss you even more right now."_ His mouth is close to the receiver; Soobin can hear his breaths and the tempting, wet sound of his mouth.

A sloppy grin appears on his face. "It would be impossible for you to not miss me, my gum."

Kai has always been an affectionate child. Soobin remembers the last few weeks at college fondly, when they shared the tiny bottom bunk bed more often than not. Kai had slept soundly in his arms: his arm hugging his torso, his thigh draped over his, his wild head of fluffy hair tucked under his chin. Soobin remembers the way his hot breath swept across his chest and the way he'd place absent-minded kisses on his skin in return, marking him as his.

Kai chuckles regardless and then becomes quiet. Not wanting him to fall asleep quite yet – and end the phone call _–_ Soobin asks: "So how was your day?"

“Well….” His boyfriend takes a deep breath. It’s clear that he barely manages to hold onto his consciousness. _"It was okay, except…"_

Soobin quirks an eyebrow and plays with the end of his newly colored hair. When he doesn't finish his sentence, he presses. "Except?"

" _I sent my boyfriend this really shitty email."_

That makes him smile but it doesn’t mean he’s fooled. "That wasn't what you were going to say. Tell me."

" _It's not important."_ he sighs. _"It's nothing you haven't heard before."_

"Bae Daehyun," Soobin surmises with a sour tone.

" _As always."_

"What did he say this time?"

Kai releases another sigh, whining. _"Binnie, I don't want to get into this. It's not important, don't worry about it."_

"I'll worry whenever the fuck I want," Soobin snaps, though he’s not angry at him. "Especially when there’s this guy who keeps making my boyfriend feel like shit for being gay." Not until too long ago that word – 'gay' – had been taboo. Kai has since made great strides in accepting his sexuality but then this asshole joined their team and started getting on Kai's case. Kai wasn't out at work, but somehow Daehyun could tell and he never failed to abuse an opportunity to make the younger man feel uncomfortable.

" _This mathematician from America had flown in to help with the recalibration of our drone and I was just talking with him – I admired his work. But Daehyun was sitting behind him doing this thing with his tongue in his cheek… Implying that I wanted to suck this guy's dick. It just ruined my day because the rest of the day I had to try really hard not to punch him in his face, and it sucked the fun out of everything."_

"It sucked the fun out of math?" Soobin deadpans, hoping to make him laugh. Kai’s small giggle relieves him. "Maybe you should tell Hoseok," he continues more seriously. "What this guy keeps doing sways between bullying and sexual harassment."

Kai shifts in bed and makes a disproving, clicking sound with his tongue against the back of his front teeth. It’s clear that he doesn't like talking about this.

_"He's not my teacher anymore, he's my supervisor—my boss. I'm not going to bother him with childish things like this. Besides, Daehyun is only here for this one project. After the presentation in March, he'll get reassigned to a different department anyway."_

"Hueningie—"

" _I'm fine. I shouldn't have brought it up,"_ Kai insists, poorly veiling how tired he is with said topic.

"I'm going to say something you aren't going to like." Soobin can practically feel him rolling his eyes at him from miles away. "This guy thrives on making you uncomfortable. Keeping your sexuality a secret from the other guys is giving him power, by making it seem like it's this dirty thing that you're ashamed of. If you'd just tell them you have a boyfriend, he has no power over you anymore."

" _That's not professional,"_ he argues.

"Kai, you spend about eighty hours a week cooped up with these people. Yuna talks about her boyfriend. Youngbae talks about his wife and kids all the time. Hyunjin gives you a play-by-play of all his dates. You know stuff about each other. Telling them your boyfriend is going to come live with you is not oversharing."

Kai is silent, but not because he’s being persuaded by his reasoning. Soobin groans.

"You're still afraid people will judge you if they know," he concludes. There’s no malice in his tone, only concern. Soobin hates that he feels that way, has to feel that way, in spite of all of the progress that has been made.

" _Why is that so unreasonable to think? There are still guys like Daehyun."_

"You should give people the benefit of the doubt. Most are more evolved than Daehyun. Did you forget what happened at school? A couple of guys were dicks about it, but everyone else donated money so you could come back and gave you a standing ovation when you stepped onto the stage for your Valedictorian speech."

" _That was a bubble, Soobin. This is the real world,"_ Kai says, getting heated in the wrong way. _"At college it's cool to be liberal and everybody loved you anyway, because you were the cool kid and they were supposed to. Out here there are guys like Daehyun and like… like our dads. And they are the cool guys that everyone likes. They all laugh at his stupid fag-jokes."_

"I think you should give them a chance to show they are better than that."

" _What if they're not better than that?"_ His boyfriend shoots back. _"I need this job, Soobin. I don't want to have to leave because things got weird."_

Soobin scoffs at that. "And things aren't weird now? Daehyun comes in with a new fag-joke every morning and mimes a blow-job to pester you. Yuna and the guys probably just laugh because it's polite and they think it doesn't harm anyone anyway. He's basically bribing them with Starbucks every morning. I wouldn't just laugh at a stupid joke for free coffee in the early morning—I'd do a whole song and dance. The way you talk about them makes them sound like really decent people. If you tell them, I'm sure they'd feel mortified and they would make Daehyun stop the bullshit."

Kai lets out a frustrated sigh. _"It's late, I should hang up. I have work tomorrow."_

_Fuck_. That’s not how he wanted this conversation to end. Soobin scrubs his face with his hand, disappointed that he’s not getting through to Kai. He doesn't want the call to end negatively, so he apologized for pressing the issue.

" _It's fine."_

"I love you, baby."

" _I love you too."_ The line is promptly disconnected.

Soobin listens to the dial tone for a while and stares up at the ceiling.

“Shit.” he groans into his folded hands, suddenly feeling the weight settle in his chest. “The fuck are you doing, Choi Soobin?”

It just occurred to Soobin that maybe he has been fooling himself. Maybe they haven't made as much progress as he thinks. He can only hope that once he joins Kai in Jeju, he can help his boyfriend get past it. In hindsight, it’s probably naïve to think he can take those steps towards not just accepting his sexuality, but being open about it as well, without him there.

It’s too easy for him to hide it, too tempting to avoid any drama. And Soobin can't blame him. They have been through enough drama. Kai, especially.

With a shiver, Soobin still remembers their entire lives imploding last spring, when Jungyu, one their friend – well, ex-friend now – thought it was funny to out them to the entire university. Kai had just lost his grandmother and was about to lose everything he spent four years working his ass off for on top of that. He was able to graduate thanks to the surprising support of the student body, but Soobin shouldn't underestimate how that near-catastrophe must have affected him.

Neither of them has talked to their family since the whole thing came to light. They despise them. Even though Soobin and Kai despise them right back, it’s still difficult, especially for Kai. Soobin is used to his father hating him for who he was. He always thought he’s a lazy, dumb coward and resented him for it. Hating him for being gay is simply the cherry on top. As much as Kai hates his dad, Soobin is certain it had meant something to him that his father had always been proud of him. It’s good for Kai’s self-esteem, to know that even his father knew he was better than him. Those couple of days Kai spent with his dad after he had been dragged off-campus by him – and the inevitable notion of being set back to America – must have been awful, but Kai never told Soobin much about it.

In his own, twisted way, Kai’s father loves him, but not anymore _only_ because he is gay. Just like Soobin’s mother doesn't love him anymore because he’s gay. Just like he suspects even his beloved grandmother wouldn't have loved him if she had known he’s gay.

That is a powerful message. Kai doesn't have friends like Beomgyu and Yeonjun to send a different, even more powerful message: that people can still love you even when you come out to them. Kai has only ever had Soobin and Soobin is a 'fag' himself, so that doesn't have the same impact.

So he resists the urge to call him back – there is nothing he could say at that moment to ease his worries and make him feel better anyway. It’s best for him to get his rest; he has another long day of dealing with Daehyun ahead of him.

Realizing that he’s still hungry – since his plan to stuff his face with mac-and-cheese fell through – Soobin tiptoes back to the kitchen to get a bag of chips and snacks on that. Once he’s satisfied, he undresses and goes to bed, only to toss and turn restlessly.

His final few weeks at Seoul drags on. The summer program ended in early September, but he is invited to stay through October to partake in more classes. His professors are impressed by his work and even more so by his development; several of them have taken a special interest in him, which is very flattering and encouraging. Even though Soobin doesn't pay tuition, he is allowed to sit in on lectures and classes as the academic year took off. He gets a little unwanted attention from the other students for being 'the teacher's pet', but Soobin doesn’t care—he’s only focused on making the best of the opportunity.

Soobin has made a couple of friends at SIA, although he tries to keep his distance knowing he'd leave soon. And he gets along very well with one of his roommates – the straight one. Still, he feels lonely without Kai. The young man with the doe eyes had been his constant companion for years. It’s been odd to realize Soobin misses Kai’s smell: the sweet scent of his lavender perfume, the sweet scent of his hair when he'd just finished showering; the faint smell of vanilla that hung around him after a long bath; the weird but pleasing smell of pineapples that spread across his skin; the smell of his favorite grape juice, which never used to appeal to him. Even his clothes just smelled different when Soobin used to share a closet with Kai.

Soobin keeps in touch with Beomgyu and Yeonjun, and they even managed to meet-up halfway two or three times for dinner; once they went bowling. Soobin enjoyed spending time with them, but as the only single one of the group, he only felt lonelier.

They are his friends and it’s difficult to have to leave them behind to go to Jeju, but more than anything Soobin just wants to be with his boyfriend again.

As the month drags on, Soobin counts the days and during the nights he dreams of what it might be like to finally be there with Kai. He looks forward to simple things, like taking him on a date or holding his hand. For the first time, they would have the freedom to be a real couple.

That’s all he’s ever wanted.

On the day of his flight to Jeju, Soobin hurries to Professor Taehyung's office to hand in his final assignment. He’s eager to get home and finish packing up his few belongings; he had arranged for a cab to come pick him up at one. He’s a little anxious to find the professor missing from his private quarters and rushes across campus to track him down in one of the auditoriums. After peering through the windows into each lecture hall, Soobin is relieved when he finds him sitting at the desk at the front of rows of empty seats. He raps his fist against the windowpane and opens the door when he waves for me to come in.

"Am I interrupting something?"

The dark-haired man closes his laptop and behind him the projection screen goes blank. "Not at all. What can I do for you, Soobin?"

He holds up the thick, cardboard cylinder that served as the protective casing around his rolled-up canvas.

"Right, the chiaroscuro-assignment." He shakes his head at his forgetfulness and motions him over. Soobin closes the distance to the desk and pulls out the canvas from the cylinder. He rolls it out on top of the surface of the desk while he wipes his wet palms on the back of his jeans. Technically, the assignment is of no real significance. The summer program ends in September and he already has his certificate. Taehyung is one of the professors who had given him extra-curricular assignments and helped him further improve himself beyond what the summer course had to offer.

Taehyung gets up from his seat and stares down at his work. One hand is on his hip, with the other he touches his chin and then later his brow. For an excruciatingly long period of time, he is lost in thought as he studies the painting presented before him. As time dragged on, Soobin gets antsy – not only because he’s worried about his feedback, but also because he knows he has to catch his bus back to the apartment.

"Soobin…" The professor releases a sigh that worries him, but then he says, "This is great. I'm really impressed with how you still dared to use color in contrast to the shadows and highlights, and there is this surreal quality to the background being nothing but a black void. The model demands all the attention; the face absorbs the light…" He makes vague gestures as he talks.

A smile appears on Soobin’s lips – his ego is boosted by his praise.

"The imprecise, dynamic brushstrokes are really starting to be a trademark of your work. I particularly like it in this piece. There seems to be a rush to it – it highlights the transient nature of the play of light and shadow."

"Thank you." Soobin watches his expression closely, noticing the deep frown and the downturned face. "Why are you making that face though?"

He lets out another sigh and turns around, leaning back against the desk. He folds his arms in front of his chest and looks at him with pinched-together eyebrows. "You are leaving soon, right?"

"Today, sir."

"Today? Wow." He looks back at the painting and takes a deep breath. "I know going to Jeju is important to you. I know what is waiting for you there."

Soobin scratches the back of his neck sheepishly. He couldn't avoid telling Taehyung a little about Kai – after all, he’s the model featured in the painting. He painted him from the chest up, solely from memory. His hair fell wispily around his elf-like features; his eyes are beautiful as always and his eyelashes long and dark which contrasted with his snow white skin. Picture-Kai holds his delicate hands in front of his face, his thin fingers splayed, casting long black shadows that crept across his cheek, nose and mouth, accentuating the shapes of his face even more.

"But Soobin,” Taehyung pauses, “What is there for you in Jeju aside from your boyfriend? What are you going to do there?"

He blinks, then shrugs. "I don't know. Find a job."

"What about your art?"

"I can still draw and paint, and maybe I'll find some work that has something to do with that."

"Maybe…" Taehyung is unconvinced. "Soobin, you are very talented, you have a lot of potential. I don't want to see it go to waste."

He frowns at him. "What are you suggesting?"

"You can enroll here in February."

Soobin chuckles nervously. "I can't afford that…"

"Every year the board gets to grant three full scholarships to the two-year program. It starts every year at the end of February," The professor says quickly, like he had been waiting to say it for a while. "We've already had a vote." He pauses for effect. "One of those scholarships is yours, if you want it."

"I… Uh—" Soobin’s face goes red at the shocking news.

"Over the past few months you have impressed every single one of us," Taehyung continues. "You are a quick learner, you have great insight and creativity, and you have the right kind of attitude to push yourself. It's an intensive program, everything from four years is condensed into two, but I am confident you can manage it."

_Two years. Intense. Not a lot of time off. Not a lot of time to fly back and forth to Jeju_ , his frazzled mind supplies.

"I'm not going to lie, Soobin, you aren't there yet. Don't get me wrong – you deliver fantastic work for what it's worth, but you still have a long way to go. We have only just started to cover the different techniques. Right now, it's 'diamond in the rough.' You have to invest in yourself; chip away until you find the core of what makes you a potentially great artist, polish your skills and find the right direction for your art. There are so many angles to your art that you could explore and eventually build a career on. I could even see you working here someday – your passion is infectious. I know the opportunity got taken away from you before by your father, but your art – your _talent_ – deserves this second chance."

His mind Is racing; he can barely make sense of what he said, too distracted by the implications of it all. "You're kind of catching me off guard here…" Soobin says dumbly.

"I understand; I get it, you love him. But you love art too. Both are apparent in your work," Taehyung nods back at the painting. "Go to Jeju, spend time with your boyfriend, but think about my offer. Talk to him about it." He places a hand on his shoulder and gives it a reassuring squeeze. "You have until the end of January to make up your mind."

All color drains from his face. Soobin is flattered and honored by the offer, but overwhelmed by the decision that he would have to make. It’s an incredible opportunity but Kai…

Professor Taehyung offers a kind smile in response to his panicked expression. "I know it's a lot to take in – maybe I should've eased you into it. I forgot that you were leaving today and this was something that had to be said before your departure."

"I—I really appreciate the offer. Really… I'm… flabbergasted." Soobin struggles to find words and strings them together in a coherent sentence. "But—"

Taehyung holds up his hand to silence him. "Don't give me an answer right now because right now, your answer is only going to be based on how badly you want to see your boyfriend; I think you'd be inclined to give the wrong answer."

Soobin takes a deep breath and places a hand over his abdomen, feeling a little nauseous all of a sudden.

"Keep in touch, okay? And I hope to hear good news from you come January."

All Soobin can do is nod dumbly. Taehyung asks him if he could keep the painting and again, he just nods. In a haze he must have said his goodbyes to him because the next thing he knows he’s standing at the bus stop, watching the bus approach; Soobin has no idea how his feet had taken him there. He finds himself a seat in the back of the bus with his earbuds in his ears and the volume of his music turns up to drown out his thoughts. He watches the campus that has been his home for the past 100 days disappear from sight and sternly fixes his gaze to the back of the seat in front of him, studying dried gum, black doodles done with a sharpie, and a penis scratched into the plastic. Raindrops make a ticking sound on the roof.

He jogs the distance from the bus stop to the apartment building. Only about an hour left until his cab would come to take him to the airport and he still has to pack some of his things. Soobin had been so preoccupied with the finishing touches to his final assignment that he’d postponed packing up his stuff. His roommates aren't home; they have their own classes to attend. One of them, Minho, had left a note stuck to his door:

_Have fun with your boyfriend._

He had signed it with a cheeky smiley-face. Soobin shakes his head at the note but smiles regardless. He pushes through the door open and immediately begins tossing the last few things in his duffel bag that sits on the bed.

Soobin curses under his breath when the process is interrupted by his phone vibrating in the back pocket of his jeans; a grin replaces his glower when he notices the photo that appeared on the screen.

Without hesitating, he punches the accept dial.

"Hey, Angel."

" _Hi Binnie. Are you still at school?"_

From his to-the-point demeanor, it’s apparent that Kai is at work and around his colleagues. "Nope. Back at the apartment, just finishing up here."

" _When will your cab be there?"_

Soobin momentarily takes the phone away from his ear to check the time. "Forty minutes from now, I should hurry."

" _What did Professors Taehyung say?"_

"Hm?" he shoots up straight – in his surprise, he drops the fistful of paintbrushes he’s been holding. "I… Uh, what do you mean?"

" _You handed in your final assignment today, right?"_

_Right._ "Oh, yeah the chiaroscuro painting. Yeah… he- uh, he loved it. He was really impressed." He gets down on his knees to collect his brushes.

" _Are you taking it with you?"_

"No. I gave it to him." Soobin groans as he extends his arm under the bed to grab the last of the brushes.

" _Aw, I never get to see any of your work,_ " he says and Soobin imagines him pouting cutely from the other side of the phone. He always does.

Soobin chuckles. Kai has no idea he’s his favorite subject—it would probably make him very self-conscious. To change the subject, he asks: "Are you still picking me up from the airport?" Over the course of the summer, Kai has gotten his driver's license, and a company car to boot. The privileges of being a genius…

" _Yeah, Hoseok is letting me leave early."_

Soobin sighs. His heart is pounding very fast right now. "I can't wait to see you. God, just imagine the things I'm gonna do to you…" he laughs breathily. He’s about to make a comment that would make his boyfriend’s cheeks and ears very red but unfortunately he’s cut off by the abrupt buzz of the doorbell. “Fuck."

" _What's wrong?"_

"My cab is early." he rushes into the bathroom to collect his toothbrush and a single bottle of cologne, then dumps the rest of his stuff in the trash. "I gotta go. I'll see you soon, baby."

" _Okay. Have a safe flight, Binnie."_

Soobin hangs up the phone and stuffs it back in his pocket on his way to the front door. He leans against the wall by the intercom and makes a face when it buzzes again. "You're a little early, hold on a minute."

" _Let us in, man! The rain is going to soak right down to my underwear!_ "

A deep frown appears on his forehead. "Beomgyu?"

" _Just let us in!_ "

"Us?"

" _Soobin!_ " Two men yell in unison.

"Alright, alright." Soobin holds down the button that opens the door downstairs and waits for Beomgyu and the mystery guest in the doorway of the apartment.

His short but tall friend – that doesn’t make sense but it does – and former basketball teammate appears at the top of the staircase first. His brown leather jacket and dark jeans are wet and raindrops trail down his face, but he smiles at the sight of Soobin and closes the distance between them with a light jog. Following shortly behind is Yeonjun, looking equally wet, but Beomgyu blocks his view when he embraces him.

Soobin squeezes his arms around him briefly and then pats him on the back before letting go. "What are you guys doing here?" he asks with big eyes and then moves to give Yeonjun a hug.

"We thought we'd give you a ride to the airport."

He stares at them both. "You drove three hours for the forty-minute drive from here to the airport?"

"Hey, come on, I know how this goes," Beomgyu boldly steps into the apartment. "You're moving to the other side of the country; we're not going to be seeing a lot of you. A clichéd, yet appropriately heartfelt goodbye at the airport is in order."

"How did he convince you to tag along?" he asks Yeonjun.

"He has his ways," is his reply and his grimace makes Soobin laugh.

"I already called a cab," he muses aloud. Right after stating the obvious, he makes a phone call to cancel the taxi service.

"Are you ready to go? We thought we could have a late lunch at the airport before seeing you off."

"Uhh yeah, sure. Just give me a minute." Soobin heads into the bedroom and finishes stuffing his bag. He does a final sweep and once he’s satisfied that nothing of importance is being left, he tells them that he’s ready to go.

The three of them head downstairs and climb into Yeonjun's car: the said man is already sitting behind the wheel, Beomgyu in the driver's seat and now him in the back with his bag.

"This rain is crazy," comments Beomgyu.

Soobin looks out the window. The outside world is distorted by the rivulets of water trailing down the side window. He can barely make out the shapes of cars and a person running along the sidewalk without an umbrella.

"It's like a monsoon."

"Better get used to it," Yoenjun remarks dryly. "Considering where you're headed."

"Actually, Kai says it's not that bad."

"Yeah, in the summer," he laughs.

"It's okay. I don't think I'm going to mind Kai coming back all wet and cold from his workplace." Soobin smirks at him through the rearview mirror. His smile falters as the conversation with Taehyung comes to mind. Of course he’s still excited about seeing Kai again, but he dreads the conversation that they would need to have. How is he supposed to find the right time to dump that in his lap?

_Hey, I'm really happy to see you after not seeing you all summer, but I've been given this amazing opportunity that – if I take it – means we aren't going to see much of each other for two years starting February._

Soobin groans. Fuck everything, until he finds the appropriate time to discuss it with him, it will remain his dirty little secret.

He doesn’t even realize it has been too quiet in the car for an uncomfortably long period of time until Beomgyu pointed out: "This isn't the kind of chipper road trip we were expecting…" He turns around in his seat to look at me.

"What do you mean?"

"I thought you'd be all bouncy and giddy, on your way to see Kai… Is everything alright?"

A small smile tugs at his lips. "You notice everything, huh?"

"I'm not ashamed of being in touch with my sensitive side."

Soobin shakes his head at his well-meaning concern. "I'm fine." Beomgyu is about to say something when Yeonjun demands his attention, making him pull up the GPS on his phone so he can navigate the way to the airport.

Yeonjun parks the car and it seems like they have to walk a mile before they finally reach the terminal. Beomgyu guilt-trips them into having lunch at KFC because his mom never let him have fried food anymore. Yeonjun and he order a modest menu while Beomgyu clutters the table with a massive bucket of fried chicken, an assortment of snacks and two different kinds of fries. The two of them start a back-and-forth banter regarding Beomgyu's choice of a meal; it’s amusing to watch until his thoughts drifted away again and he ends up staring blankly at a couple saying goodbye. They embraced and kissed passionately – the woman doesn't seem like she wants to let go of his husband or boyfriend. He puts his hand on her cheek, reassuring her with a few words, then leaves for check-in. The woman just stands there, staring and waving at him when he turns back once before disappearing from sight.

"Soobin?"

He tears his gaze away – this time it was Yeonjun who notices his absentmindedness. "Hm?"

His two friends share a concerned look. Beomgyu puts the piece of chicken he’s holding away and pushes the bucket aside to lean in. "Are you okay?"

"He put away the chicken. This is serious," Yeonjun surmises.

"Do you even want to go to Jeju?"

Soobin snorts at the question. "Of course I want to go! I want to be with Kai."

"Okay… But…?" He waits for him to fill in the blanks.

"But it's complicated," he concedes.

"What's making it complicated?" Yeonjun interjects.

"I—I'm just a little frazzled. I got some pretty big news today."

Beomgyu asks: "Good news?" at the same time Yeonjun asks: "Bad news?"

Soobin shakes his head at them and scrubs his face with his hands.

"I don't know." he heaves a sigh. "Technically it's good news, but it's making everything really complicated and it's sucking the fun out of today which is… bad." he groans at his ineloquence. At Beomgyu's raised eyebrows and Yeonjun's impatient stare, he elaborates: "One of my professors offered me a full scholarship for the two-year-program. If I take it, I'd start in February." he watches the excitement on their faces blend into understanding for his dilemma.

"That's really impressive, Soobin. To be honest, I had no idea you were that talented." Yeonjun flashes a playful grin, to the best of his abilities.

"I know, right? That is why it is so amazing. These last 100 days have been amazing; but me being here and Kai being in Jeju…. Jesus, I was really excited about seeing him today, but now I have the weight of this bomb on his shoulders that I'm going to have to drop on him at some point."

"So you want to take the offer."

Soobin blinks at Beomgyu for drawing that conclusion. "I didn't say that."

"Be honest. If you were absolutely sure you didn't want to accept the scholarship, you wouldn't worry about having to tell Kai. You could just not say anything. If you feel you need to tell him, then that suggests to me you are considering the offer."

He casts his gaze down into his coke. "I mean… I have to, right? I have to consider it, at least… Right?" he mumbles.

"Yes," Yeonjun affirms without any doubt. "This is a huge deal. I'm sure Kai wants to be with you just as much as you want to be with him, but he'd be the first to tell you to not give up on your art. You need to think about it. And you need to talk about it with him."

Soobin buries his face in his palms. "But we can't keep doing this, Yeonjun. We can't spend another two years on either side of the country. It's only been a hundred days and already it's driving me mad."

"Long-distance relationships are difficult," he concedes, "—but there has to be a better solution than simply giving up your art."

"But is it really giving up on my art?" he questions. "I can paint in Jeju."

"Yeah, you can." Both his friends nod halfheartedly. Soobin groans and drops his face down into his folded arms.

In the end Soobin finishes his meal while Yeonjun and Beomgyu make small-talk about a football game from last night. When they bid him their goodbyes later, they both encourage him to forget about the scholarship for the day and just focus on being happy about seeing Kai again. Soobin thanks them for their support and the ride to the airport; promising them to keep in touch, although he knows it would be a challenge to maintain their friendship over such a great distance.

It’s late in the afternoon when he arrives at Jeju International Airport. Soobins keeps his neck craned, expecting to see a messy mop of hair at any second. He bumps into a lot of people while making his way through the crowd, mumbling half-apologies without ever stopping. His body is uncoordinated with nerves. He has been building up the moment in his head and he starts to worry if it would be far from perfect; the way he had imagined it. It might be nothing more than an awkward hug and a sloppy kiss and honestly, he doesn’t want it to be just… that.

Soobin has reached the exit and finds himself in a more open space so he can look around. He swivels his head around; through the windows, he spots a red Hyundai parked in the "NO PARKING" zone. A smile immediately overtakes his face. Soobin knows it’s Kai’s because he remembers the phone call when he ranted about the company giving him such a brightly colored car. But the car is unmanned. He turns back and all of a sudden he sees him, like his gaze is immediately drawn to him. The silly smile that appears on Soobin’s face can’t be contained. When Kai disappears into the crowd, he immediately leaps.

Finally, there he is, emerging from behind a family of four and Soobin drops his bag to the floor and opens his arms wide, a clear invitation, smiling when Kai immediately jumps for a hug. It’s not awkward, it feels right. Soobin squeezes him close to his body with undeniable desperation and Kai’s grasp on him is just as strong. His nose pokes into his mop of hair and he can’t stop himself from inhaling greedily. The full force of how much he has missed him hit Soobin at that moment and he struggles to keep himself from crying.

Once he feels that he can hold his sappy emotions under control, Soobin pulls back far enough to appreciate the sight of him. Kai is smiling at him; his face is beaming, his eyes especially bright. There is an honest, overwhelmed smile on his lips and a familiar relaxation in the way his shoulders hang and his hips slightly pushed forward.

"Did you get shorter?" Soobin jokes and laughs heartily when he pokes him between the ribs.

“You wish.” Kai smiles at him, his eyes also a bit teary, "Binnie I—"

Soobin doesn’t let him finish. He cups Kai’s small face in his hand and leans in to capture his mouth in a short but perfect kiss. When their lips parted he notices the way his cheeks redden at the public display of affection, but with the way he’s biting his bottom lip, Soobin knows that his boyfriend has no objections. So he kisses him again, more intensely and more passionately as his hand moves from his chin to the back of his neck to pull him closer to him again.

"I've missed you so much, baby." he whispers against his lips.

"Me too, Binnie.” Kai says meaningfully. “Let's go home."

Soobin nods and eagerly hoists his bag over his shoulder again before following him outside to the red SUV. Luckily he doesn't get a ticket yet – or get towed. He whistles at the sight of the brand new car. Kai opens the trunk for him to dump his bag.

"Nice ride," he comments.

Kai pouts. "It's very red."

He scrutinizes the glossy red finish on the large vehicle, catching the light with a faint shimmer. "It is. I like it though."

"Of course you would." Kai pinches the fabric of his shirt between his fingers and pulls it out.

Soobin looks down at his red Deadpool shirt and laughs. "What can I say? I like red." he leans in with a smirk. "I remember you wore a red shirt the day we first met."

"I don't dislike red," his boyfriend states with blushing cheeks, "I just don't like four thousand pounds of it."

Kai pats the back of the car, then walks around to get in behind the wheel. Soobin climbs into the passenger seat and he’s immediately enveloped by the 'new car smell' that he knows from his youth – his dad bought a lot of cars. The leather seat is soft and the dashboard and doors have chrome accents. Kai's job pays very well, that’s for sure, and the benefits are pretty impressive. It’s not the kind of job anybody would give up on, say, if your boyfriend would ask you to move to Seoul with him because he wants to study there.

Soobin shakes those thoughts from his head – there is no point dwelling on that right now.

Kai dutifully watches the road but Soobin is free to stare at him. Once in a while he'd cast a look and being an idiot in love Soobin would just grin at him.

"You look good, Angel." Soobin says as he bites down on his bottom lip. Because Kai really looks good. He’s still dressed in grey slacks and a white button-up shirt: his usual work-attire. His hair is as messy as he remembers it, begging him to drag his fingers through the soft, chocolate brown strands. There is apparent tiredness in the lowered eyelids, but the eyes sparkle with excitement that reflects his own.

"I know.” he grins shyly and makes an off-hand remark about getting a bite to eat somewhere. “You must be hungry.”

"Oh, I'm definitely hungry. But not for what you’re thinking of." To clarify his point, Soobin slips his hand into his lap, placing it – not so innocently – high up on his thigh. He gives the muscle a firm squeeze and smirks when he sees his boyfriend’s delicate fingers tighten around the steering wheel. Soobin knows that his naïve little boyfriend tries to pretend that he isn't just as eager as he is, but he’s definitely not fooled.

As they pull up to the curb he immediately recognizes the apartment building. Soobin is curious about what the apartment looks like; aside from it being the backdrop in an occasional video chat, he hasn't seen much of the interior. They take the elevator up to the sixth floor, and it’s easy to recognize the apartment complex by how new and clean everything is. Soobin idles by Kai’s side as he unlocks the door to his apartment. He is distracted by his own curiosity, momentarily forgetting about his 'hunger'. Kai opens the door and gestures for him to step inside first.

His bag lands on the floor with a dull thud and he looks around. As impressive as the modern apartment is, Soobin is still a little underwhelmed. A lot of white and different tones of grey and the stylish contrast of different textures of the surfaces; a glossy countertop but a wavy, 3D effect on the cabinets, a smooth floor but rough walls, linen upholstery but a glass coffee table. The only source of color is the stuffed bookcase against the far wall and – to his surprise – the 'Cat & Dog' drawing he had made for him, for one of his projects, is framed and displayed on the white wall.

"It's nice," Soobin concludes, lacking enthusiasm. "It doesn't feel very… 'me' though."

To be real, it doesn't feel very 'Kai' either. Other than the drawing, the space is very impersonal, but he shouldn't have expected differently. Kai tells him the place had come completely furnished and he isn't the type to waste time and money to make the apartment homier. It’s difficult to face him; Soobin doesn’t want to cause any friction but he doesn’t want to be dishonest either. Kai closes the door behind him and leans back against it.

"Well, we can make it more 'you'. I mean, throw in a carpet that doesn't match the couch and leave dirty socks all over the place, that’s ‘you’." he deadpans with mischievous eyes.

Soobin lets out a rumbling laugh. "That ought to do the trick." he tears his gaze away from the unattractive designer chair and instead feasts on the sight of his boyfriend, looking all coy and playing hard to get.

"Do you want a beer?" Kai offers, practically purring the words.

"You don't drink." Except that one night at that gay club. Soobin grins sloppily.

"I got beer for you."

Soobin takes a step closer to him. "I got something for you too." He laughs at the cheesy line, but continues with it. "A tall glass of water." he winks.

Kai giggles at the ridiculous attempt but the sound quiets down until it disappears with a bated breath when Soobin finally closes the distance between them. The older man lets his hands lightly trail up his arms and his mouth ghosts across his face. His fingers move up to trace his jaw and the shell of his ears, then he runs his hands through his luscious hair and angles his face up so he can finally capture his mouth with an urgent kiss. Kai twists his fingers into the front of his shirt and pushes his hips off the door to deepen said kiss.

They rock out their pelvises together, and Soobin is losing his cool at a very rapid pace to the 100 days of bottled up need and desire. He knows that they are out of sync and they kissed like they’d never kissed each other before, like they don't know how to react when their lips connected with each other. It’s a little frustrating, for Kai too; Soobin can tell by the way his body tenses. He tries to hurry it along, hoping their bodies will remember what to do and starts to palm the front of his jeans.

Kai pulls back slightly, "W-Wait, stop. Let's take a second."

A nod is all he can give, but Soobin doesn’t let him go; he doesn’t want to.

They take a deep breath and smile sheepishly at each other. Kai presses his body flush against him and Soobin wraps his arms around his back to seal them into an intimate embrace. He mouths his ear and the corner of his jaw and whispers repeatedly how much he loves him and how much he had missed him. Sensually, with a soft tone, he describes how he’s going to make love to him. It’s funny how the 'dirty talk' comes easily to him after months of phone sex. And Kai must have gotten used to it too, because instead of being embarrassed Soobin can feel his arousal swelling in his pants.

Soobin smooths his hands down his back and slowly untucks his shirt from his slacks. Delicately, he lets his fingers caress the small of his back; Kai shudders and the little shit makes him equally weak in the knees when his puckered lips navigate his throat and find his Adam's apple. With a firm grip on his hips, Soobin rocks their pelvises together and lets his mouth connect with Kai’s again, this time for a sensual, unhurried kiss. Their lips blend together the way he remembers – the way that had him distracted during summer classes or jerking off to the memory of him in the middle of the night, alone in his twin bed.

Kai moans wantonly when he licks into his bottom lip; the kiss deepens.

“Yeah,” Soobin chuckles breathily. "This is more like it…"

"I have something else for you." Kai says.

"Grape Juice?" he shoots back and laughs at his own joke.

Kai detaches himself with a mischievous look and walks across the living room, heading for the bedroom, he presumes. After a few steps, he toes off his shoes and brings his feet up one by one to take the grey socks off. Then he pulls the white button-up out of his pants and with his back turns towards him. Soobin listens as he undoes his belt buckle and zipping down his pants. The weight of the leather belt and metal buckle pulls the supple fabric down the length of his legs and pools at his bare feet. His long white shirt covers his behind.

Kai looks over his shoulder; his gaze connects with his and the small grin on his lips sets Soobin’s nerves alight with anticipation. He cocks an eyebrow at him, waiting for the younger man to show him what he apparently wanted to reveal as his surprise.

Like he can understand his mind, Kai grabs the white fabric of his shirt and pulls it. The pinkish blush on his cheeks getting redder as he does so.

A low growl escapes Soobin once his eyes feast on the surprise – his hand reactively gives his arousal a squeeze as it throbs with need in response. His boyfriend is wearing red lace panties, boy shorts style. The flimsy material accents the shape of his ass and makes him wonder what the front looked like, straining around his dick.

"Fuck… you weren't kidding," he remarks, remembering the phone call when his boyfriend said he was wearing lace panties, and being an idiot that he was Soobin had brushed it off as a joke.

"Don’t get ahead of yourself.” The younger man says teasingly. “I bought these yesterday since you seemed to like the idea."

"Oh, I like the idea," Soobin concurs, taking his first step closer to him. "No, I fucking _love_ it." he bits down on his lip and can't stop staring at Kai’s amazing body displayed in front of him, suddenly feeling like the luckiest bastard on earth.

Kai stalks towards the bedroom at the back, swaying his wide hips mesmerizingly and dropping his button-up shirt along the way. In the doorway he spins around and leans against the frame, sporting a cocky grin.

"Are you coming?"

The shape of his erection curving up along his hip under the see-through fabric is a distraction of the best kind.

After a pause Soobin finally finds his voice again. "Yeah, I have a feeling more than once." he hastily follows him, crossing the room with large steps and stripping himself of his jacket and his red shirt. He’s about to stride into the bedroom when Kai stops him with his index finger against his chest.

"You're overdressed."

He glances down at his jeans and boots and in a flash he gets rid of them, leaving himself in only his boxer brief.

"Better."

Kai leads the way into the bedroom. Giving into his curiosity Soobin looks around and spots the dresser, the chair, the rug and the double windows that he has described to be, as well as the big bed with a lot of plushies and pillows of course. At least his – their – bedroom feels more like home, more familiar. It seems like Kai doesn't like the way he gets distracted in the middle of the room. He comes back for him and takes a hold of his hand, pulling him towards the bed. Soobin smiles at him and tugs hard on his hand, reigning the younger man towards his hard body instead. With Kai’s mouth-watering body flush against his, Soobin plunders his mouth and paws at his thick ass, reveling in the interesting texture of the lace panties and his soft skin. He walks him towards the bed, step by step, never disconnecting their mouths until the back of his legs are against the bed. At the count of three Soobin pushes him onto the mattress and the sight that follows renders him speechless.

Kai’s dark, messy hair fanned around him like a halo. His cheeks and chest are flushed red. His pretty brown eyes shining like a night sky, and his porcelain skin shines with sweat. He also spots his most favorite part of his body, the moles scattering at his skin. Kai apparently had shaved his legs too, but Soobin doesn’t want to make a big deal about it – he’s just happy Kai is comfortable with doing that for him as a little surprise.

With a deep growl Soobin pounces on him. Kai’s lips are full and wet; irresistible. The tip of his arousal peeks out under the hem of the lace, equally begging for some loving attention. Soobin leans over him and clamps his mouth around his pink nipple, suckling, licking and grazing it with his front teeth. Kai squirms under him and arches his back off the bed.

Soobin moves across his chest to the other, muttering appreciatively. "I am the luckiest motherfucker ever…"

His boyfriend doesn't say anything; he bites back a moan instead. Slowly, Soobin moves down and lowers himself onto his knees between his legs hanging over the edge of the bed. He places hot kisses down his abdomen and his bangs tickle his skin. He props himself up on his elbows and stares at Kai with lidded eyes. Soobin meets his gaze as he mouths him through the lace. Following the shaft up to the head, which he gives a little lick.

Soobin smirks when Kai immediately throws his head back and opens his mouth with a soundless moan.

"You want your favorite toy?" he teases.

"Nooooo, I want you," he whines in response, hands clawing and pawing at his hair.

"Get it anyway."

Kai gives him an incredulous look but Soobin can tell from his eyes that he knows there’s no point to argue with him. With another needy whine he moves; crawling further up the bed, giving him an intentional eyeful of his plump ass in that sexy underwear. Kai rips the drawer of the left bedside table open and practically flings the vibrator his way with clear disdain. Soobin is barely able to catch it as he laughs, watching him sulk like a toddler. He gets up from the floor and orders him to lay on the bed, on his stomach. Kai gives him a confused look but does as he's instructed, lying down in the center of the mattress, his legs crossed at the ankle in a show of defiance.

That only makes him look adorable. Soobin chuckles and climbs onto the bed.

Taking hold of his ankles, Soobin makes him spread his legs and to his delight Kai offers a little resistance. The older man twists the bottom of the vibrator, switching it on in a low setting, and settles himself between his legs. He places the tip of the vibrator on the back of his neck and slowly drags it down his spine. Kai visibly tenses up.

Soobin leans over him and whispers in his ear. "Why do you dislike it so much? This little thing dutifully kept you company all this time." The vibrator reaches the small of his back and he slows its descent even more, taking his time to tease him.

"It's your fault," he accuses. "You fuck me so good, nothing else is ever going to be good enough."

He groans. "Shit, Kai."

Soobin rewards him by running the vibrator down the cleft of his ass, and then uses the tip to massage his perineum. He grabs a fistful of his hair and pulls his face up from the pillow to kiss his mouth, his jaw and his neck. Kai pushes back against the toy and warns him. "Binnie, I love you, but you better not let me down after a hundred fucking days."

He lets out a hearty laugh. "No pressure though," he deadpans. Soobin tosses the vibrator aside and Kai sighs with relief knowing that he won’t tease him with it any further. Soobin moves further down the bed and places a chaste, ticklish kiss on each ass cheek before slowly peeling the lace down to his thighs.

"Where's the lube?" It’s all for pretense. Soobin doesn’t even wait for him to answer; he reaches into the drawer and pulls out a half-empty bottle of lubricant. He notices a picture frame on the nightstand, but instead of a photo, it frames the letter Soobin had delivered to him when it seems like everything had fallen apart. It warms his heart to see his words there – his first confession of his love to him – as the first thing he sees every morning, and the last thing he sees every night. He doesn't say anything about it, but Soobin knows that Kai’d already seen him.

He shakes the bottle, smirking. "Well, it looks like my baby has been keeping busy."

"Nnn…" Kai moans wantonly when Soobin drags the cold bottle across his opening. “S-Stop teasing me…”

With his digits generously coated, Soobin presses his index and middle finger into his opening, loving the low, drawn-out moan his boyfriend produces. He sounds so much better in real life than over the phone. As Soobin fingers him, he palms himself through his briefs to relieve some of the urgency he’s feeling and when he’s satisfied, Soobin steps off the bed and out of his underwear.

After half a second of contemplation, he grabs Kai’s legs and pulls him towards the edge of the bed, twisting his body around so he can lie on his back. He places both of his calves over his right shoulder and leaves the flimsy, red lace around his thighs. Kai hands him the lube and he carelessly pours the clear gel onto himself; most of it drips off his cock and onto the floor – luckily hardwood, not the fuzzy carpet a few feet over.

"Ready?" he whispers softly.

Kai nods eagerly. " _Please_."

With a fond little smile, Soobin places a kiss on the mole on his neck and thrusts his hips forward, easily sliding his girth into Kai’s tight walls. His younger boyfriend screams loudly at the sudden intrusion, but Soobin knows it’s because he fucks him good.

"Is that better, baby boy?"

"F-Fuck, yeah, yes! It's so much better. I hate that stupid thing."

With one arm encircling Kai’s thick legs – holding them in place against him – and his free hand grasping at his hip, Soobin rocks in and out of Kai. He smiles when Kai’s delicate hand reaches out to hold his and he immediately intertwines their fingers while his other hand moves to bury itself into his boyfriend’s fluffy hair. Kai moans freely and so does Soobin, finally not having to worry about nosy roommates hearing anything. If they keep it up like that, it won’t last even shorter than he fears. Soobin musters up the willpower to stop and tells him to climb further up on the bed.

"Back or stomach, pretty?" The older man asks as he scoots towards the center of the mattress.

"B-Back. I wanna… wanna kiss you." Soobin literally tears the red panties off him with a feral snarl – he for sure will regret ruining them but it won’t be until later.

Soobin opens up his legs again and pushes them down to his chest; entering him again was easy. Their lips are still locked in a heated kiss but it’s mostly distracted. Kai moves his fingers into his hair and begins to pull, it can be painful sometimes, but he loves how intense the whole experience is and how needy his little boyfriend is.

"Fuck, I'm not gonna last…" Soobin mutters against his lips. Sweat drips down his temples and slickens his chest and back. He squeezes his eyes shut and buries his face in the crook of Kai’s neck. Soobin really tries to fight against the pleasure and not surrender to it yet, but he’s fighting a losing battle.

Kai doesn't say anything; one of his hands disappears from his head and snakes itself between us to wrap around his own erection. As he pumps frantically to match up with him, Soobin feels it bump into his abdomen.

_"Fuck."_ Soobin can’t even speak anymore. He grits his teeth as he teeters on the edge.

"Soobinie I want… I wanna—”

“Yeah, baby?”

“C-Come inside me."

Soobin would like to say it’s those dangerous words that push him over the edge, but honestly Kai could have said anything – like listing the ingredients of laundry detergent – and he still would have reached his climax. Soobin slows down his movements to long, deep thrusts as he rides the waves of the orgasm, moaning senselessly against Kai’s neck. His entire body starts to shake with the effort to keep himself from collapsing on top of his boyfriend, which would interfere with Kai finding his own relief.

Not too much later he lets out a shrill cry and Soobin can feel his walls tightening around him. With the one hand still in his hair, Kai pulls him down to kiss him. The open-mouthed kiss is lazy but it marks their equal satisfaction.

Finally Soobin lets himself drop down on top of him. "Shit, baby. That was—”

"Amazing, I know." he sighs in response, obviously blissed out, but after a short pause he grouses. "Binnie, get off of me, you’re heavy." he whines.

Soobin lets out a hearty laugh and does as instructed. He rolls off him to occupy the space of the bed next to him.

"Aw, I forgot how messy this was." With a whine Kai gets up from the bed and walks into the adjoining bathroom, giving Soobin an eyeful of his curvy body and the glistening trail of his cum between his inner thigh. The sight almost makes him hard again.

Because he’s lazy as fuck, Soobin uses his underwear to rub himself clean before he quickly jumps up and moves to the doorway of the bathroom to watch Kai take a quick shower. Soobin hasn’t intended on washing his hair again that day, but the opportunity looks too good to pass up, so he joins him in the shower stall and they end up washing each other.

They crawl back in bed naked with hair still damp and Soobin doesn’t waste any minute before he clings to him like an octopus. He loves hearing him breathe, feeling the tickle of his fluffy hair under his chin and tracing shapes on his skin, from one tiny mole to another. They don’t talk much, even though they had called, texted, skyped and emailed daily during their agonizing one-hundred-days separation. The only thing Soobin hasn’t told him is about that offer he got; but at this moment he doesn't think he’s ever going to tell him. Lying with Kai in bed makes the offer – which meant being far away from him – very unappealing and not even worth considering.

Kai sleeps for about an hour, tired from his work, as Soobin simply lies with him. When he wakes up they get dressed and order pizza. Sitting on the couch with him, fighting over the last slice and who gets control over the remote, is the easiest thing in the world. It reminds him of when they used to be just friends. Soobin realizes they haven't had much time to be in a 'real relationship' yet. By the time they transitioned from friends-with-benefits to boyfriends, they only had a couple of weeks left at the college where they met and they were both mostly preoccupied with finishing their final assignments. Kai was, unfortunately, largely against public displays of affection at school. They hadn't even gone on a real date yet. They had had grand plans for the summer, but it fell through every time.

Since they had been apart for so long, Soobin is a little worried about what 'being boyfriends' is really going to be like. Soobin knows Kai better than anyone – as his friend and as his lover – but he doesn’t know what kind of boyfriend he is, and he doesn’t even know what kind of boyfriend he himself is, considering his past relationships never lasted long enough. But more than anything, Soobin is excited to find out.

After two movies, they return to bed and make love again; then Kai falls asleep in his arms for a second time.

In the morning Kai must have opened the curtains: Soobin can see bright light through his eyelids and he turns his face away from the windows. It finally hits him that Kai has to go to work. Soobin wishes he is the kind of romantic that can get out of bed at the crack of dawn and make him breakfast, but getting up early has always been his thing and he hopes Kai understands. He nuzzles his nose into the pillow that smells like him and moves his hips, trying to make himself comfortable as his morning wood is sandwiched between his body and the bed.

The mattress dips and Soobin feels his boyfriend crawl towards him. He smiles and groans into the pillow when Kai’s weight settles on the small of his back. Two warm hands take hold of his shoulders and massage gently; he feels a nose against the back of his neck before he feels his lips. His warm breath swoops past his ear, heating it up. The special attention makes his morning erection that much more uncomfortable. At that point, it’s not a physical effect that he can simply sleep off; it has to be dealt with.

"How long do we have before you have to leave for work?" Soobin wonders.

His mouth moves to the shell of his ear and he whispers: "About twenty-three hours."

That makes him crack his eyes open and turn his head. "Wait, what?"

"I called in sick." He says cheekily.

"And they bought that? You calling in sick the day after picking up your 'best friend' at the airport?"

"They have no reason to distrust me. I've never called in sick before."

"And now you have… You're a naughty boy now."

Kai lets out a small giggle and presses his nose into the side of his neck. "So what do you want to do today?" His rumbling laughter is somewhat muffled by the pillow. "Aside from the obvious, I mean."

"I don't know. Let's deal with the obvious first." Soobin pushes himself up, throwing him off like a raging bull throwing a cowboy off his back before he climbs on top of him and pins his wrists down.

Less to say, they don’t get out of bed until an hour later.

They spend most of the afternoon at the Jeju Art Museum and the Asian Art Museum. Neither of them have been there before; Kai doesn't do anything but work so he hasn't explored the city yet. It’s fun to get to do that with him. Then they leave the serious, quiet environment of the museums and head out to random places we located on his phone. Kai isn't completely comfortable with holding hands out in the streets, but he settles for the permanent smile as they walk closely side-by-side, shoulders constantly bumping together.

Soobin knows it's been a lonely hundred days for him. He had his roommates, made some casual friends at SAI, and grew close to his professors, almost to the point of considering most of them friends. Out of the two he is way more open and uninhibited so friendships came easy; it has always been like that with him but it’s different for Kai. The baby keeps to himself, and feels awkward in social situations. It doesn't help that he spends nearly every waking moment at work, where he keeps the people he spends every day within arm's length in fear of anyone discovering his sexuality and judging him for it. Kai also doesn't have his piano practice anymore, which used to be his only regular source of social contact in college. Taehyun, Kai’s only friend, hasn't been able to come to visit him either. After his graduation, Taehyun moved to England for a work call.

Every time Kai looks at him, Soobin can see in those beautiful, brown eyes how happy he is just to have company again and to share his experiences. It’s also apparent in the way he gets talkative during dinner and wants him to try every delicious thing on his plate. In that hole-in-the-wall restaurant, Soobin realizes he has to forget about Seoul. He has to fully commit to making Jeju his home and being with Kai. His boyfriend needs him, and even though he hasn't been lonely in Seoul, he hasn't been happy either – not without him. Soobin needs Kai just as much as Kai needs him.

It’s the perfect day and Soobin is happier than he’d ever been.

But then, the perfect day ends.

When Soobin wakes up on Friday, the bedroom is still dark, but he opens up his phone to check the time. It’s ten pm. The apartment is silent; Kai has gone off to work about two and a half hours ago. He hasn't even heard him leave.

Soobin takes a deep breath, then kicks his legs over the edge of the bed and gets up with a groan. His muscles are sore from walking around all day and fucking Kai hard when they finally went to bed at one in the morning. Soobin felt bad knowing how tired and sore his poor boyfriend must have been—climbing out of bed at whatever ungodly hour, having only gotten a few hours of sleep after getting pounded into the mattress.

Soobin has yet to unpack so he pulls a clean pair of underwear, his sweatpants and a comfortable college vest out of his duffel bag and dresses himself haphazardly before shuffling into the kitchen for much-needed coffee, making a mental note to remind himself to ask Kai where he can find the nearest coffee shop. In the mornings he needs proper coffee, not the home-brew stuff. He frowns when a yellow post-it note on the fridge comes into focus. In Kai's messy handwriting it read:

_I would have gotten you coffee but it would be cold by now anyway, so I got you orange juice instead and all you have to do is press the silver button on the coffee machine for your morning shot of caffeine._

_Oh and a muffin. I got you a muffin too._

_I'll be home around six. See you Binnie!_ >3<♡♡♡

He shakes his head but is grateful of how Kai still takes time taking care of him, even in just that small way. It used to be Soobin getting him food, making sure he had his three meals a day.

The muffin is waiting for him by the coffee machine. He presses the silver button and the machine hums to life; after a few seconds the dark liquid is poured into the mug. In the meantime, he peels the paper off the muffin and takes the first bite. After pouring himself a big glass of orange juice as well, he walks all three items to the couch and turns on the TV.

Lunch is postponed until two because he’s too lazy to get up, even though there is nothing interesting to watch. It consists of a simple grilled cheese sandwich and another glass of orange juice, both consumed in front of the TV.

Eventually Soobin decides to unpack his bag so at least he won’t have to confess that he did absolutely nothing the entire day. Kai had either made room for him in the bedroom closet, or his clothes have simply never taken up more space. Soobin has three shelves, a two-foot stretch of clothing rack, and two and a half drawers in the dresser that he still plans to fuck his little boyfriend against. He needs less than a fourth of all that space for his clothes and less than ten minutes to unpack.

Pengpeng, the stuffed animal – a penguin – from his youth is at the very bottom of the bag. With a grin, he places him on the bed. Another cherished item is a double picture frame. The frame itself is elegant enough, but the pictures not so much: one was the picture of myself at frat camp; the other was of a young Kai dressed as a girl for the school play, the very one he used as a bargain to protect his ego.

The frame gets an honorary place on the dresser.

Soobin spends the remainder of the afternoon doing some online shopping without ever committing to a purchase. Just like he had done at college, he worked as a bartender all summer. With his workload, though, there weren't many hours in the week left to make money. He has barely made enough to cover expenses; there are about seven hundred dollars left in his account. He’s not poor but he doesn’t want to spend his hard-earned money carelessly either. Soobin used to be the one with the money to spend. It’s not necessarily a bad change, but he doesn’t want to become a trophy boyfriend that lives off Kai's hard work. Not because he’s too proud, but because he wants to take care of the younger man too.

At around five-thirty, he ventures outside looking for a supermarket. During his phone calls with Kai over the past summer he’d mentioned there is a small 24/7 Japanese market "just around the corner". Soobin figures he'd surprise him by cooking him ramen, the authentic one they loved to eat everytime they go out for dates—in spite of the fact that Soobin is pretty much a horrible cook.

Well, how hard could a one-pot dish be?

It turns out that a one-pot dish can be very hard to make, but Soobin manages. He walks to the fridge where the cute note is still stuck to the stainless steel surface.

"I'll be home around six," he reads aloud. For a moment he thinks he might have misread it that morning – it’s pre-caffeine after all – but the note definitely said "six".

In that moment his phone chooses to wail loudly and he immediately bolts towards it. But it’s just the timer. Dinner is ready.

Soobin stands in the middle of the room, phone still in his hand, contemplating his next move. Even though they had texted so often the past hundred days, he’s about coming across pushy or needy if he texts him to ask him when he'd be home.

While Soobin is weighing his options, the phone shrieks again and that time it’s a call.

Kai's name and a picture of him making a silly face appears on the screen. Soobin waits for three rings, childishly concerned with not wanting him to know he has been standing there with the phone already in his hand. "Hey, baby."

" _I'm so sorry,"_ Kai blurts in a hushed tone, he’s clearly still at the office. _"I forgot."_

"About me?" Soobin had meant it as a joke, but it sounds like a loaded question.

" _Of course not. I forgot I wrote I'd be home at six and I've been so preoccupied I forgot to text."_

"It's okay," he says and he really wants to mean it. Fuck, he really does. "When do you think you'll be home?"

" _We've had a bit of a snafu. We've been working on the code all day to fix a minor glitch, and since we've rebooted, the whole software has been going crazy. One of the rotors was going haywire: the friction overheated and completely wrecked the engine. We might've destroyed the prototype that Hoseok was supposed to showcase in Tokyo next week. He is so angry."_ Kai is rambling, his anxiety apparent. He’s under so much pressure and he knows how much a mistake like that stressed him out. He always blames himself if something went wrong since he’s the youngest and least experienced of the team. Hoseok, although having personally offered Kai the position, must have forgotten his cool and readily uses him as a scapegoat to vent his frustrations in the heat of the moment.

"It's going to be okay, Kai. It wasn't your fault."

" _Maybe if I had just gone to work yesterday…"_

"That has nothing to do with this. If anything, it probably means someone else screwed up."

" _But maybe if I had been there—"_

"Baby, just calm down," Soobin tries, feeling guilty even though he also hasn't done anything wrong. "Just breathe. You'll get a new engine, you'll fix the software, and Hoseok can go to Japan next week. It's going to be fine."

Kai lets out a nervous sigh, unconvinced. _"I don't think I'll be home for a few more hours."_

"That's okay. I'll just order a pizza and veg-out on the couch." Soobin doesn’t want him to know that he’d made dinner for both of them, his poor boyfriend is already frazzled enough as it is. "I love you."

A pleasant sigh then. _"I—"_ He stops himself as a coworker must have interrupted his privacy and he simply says: _"Bye-bye."_

Soobin pockets his phone and stares at the meal.

His appetite is gone.

An indiscriminate noise from the kitchen wakes Soobin up. He cracks his eyes open – the entire living room is dark, save for a single light source pouring in from the kitchen.

"Hey," Soobin says softly before clearing his throat.

Kai immediately straightens up. "I'm sorry," is the first thing he says.

"For what?" His shoulder aches from sleeping several hours on the uncomfortable couch but he doesn’t feel like getting up.

"For being late. For waking you up." He stands in the kitchen sheepishly with his hands tucked into the front pockets of his slacks. With his elbow, he gestures towards the microwave. "You made Ramen."

Soobin smiles, if only because he loves how adorable Kai is being right now. "Yeah. No Naruto though, they’re out of stock. I used tofu."

"Thank you, Binnie." Kai whispers in gratitude.

"Hmm. You're welcome." he pushes himself upright and stretches out his limbs with a groan.

The microwave beeps – Kai gets the bowl and a pair of chopsticks and walks over to the living room area. He sits down on the floor on the opposite side of the glass coffee table, folding his legs under him.

"Would you like some?"

Soobin shakes his head. "I'm still stuffed with pizza."

He makes an appreciative sound as he chews on the first bite. "It's really good."

"I'm glad you like it." Not gonna lie, Soobin is kind of proud of himself.

They sit together in the dimly lit space and Soobin watches him eat for a minute before he asks: "What time is it?" he adjusts the jacket in his lap, hugging it to his chest and sniffing the collar.

"I don't know exactly, but I left the office at precisely midnight."

"Jesus. How did it go?"

Kai takes a few more bites first. "We probably can't get a new engine before the tech conference in Tokyo."

"Shit."

"Yeah. Hoseok is really mad at me this time, especially for not being there yesterday. Daehyun misread his notes…" He brings one hand up and rubs his temple. "I don't know…"

"That was Daehyun's mistake and Hoseok can't be mad at you for being sick. He doesn't know you weren't really sick."

"I didn't call in sick," he confesses miserably. "I planned to have the day off weeks ago. I had to miss that last weekend we planned to meet because of it; in return for getting yesterday off, Hoseok made me work that Saturday. He kind of tricked me into that, but I shouldn't have lied – I'm sorry. He gave this whole speech about 'this is why we have a schedule'."

Soobin lowers himself onto the floor between the couch and the coffee table and gives him a stern look.

"I know you praise him for being the sun and the moon and the stars because he got you this job, but you have to realize by now that he didn't offer you the job as a favor to you; he recruited you because you are fucking good at what you do. But he puts way too much pressure on you and he is totally misusing you since he knows damn well you feel like you owe him. You're entitled to a day off every now and then without having to work overtime to compensate."

Kai makes a face. Sooibn knows he doesn’t like this conversation – they’ve had it before.

"Kai, you're letting everyone at that place trample all over you!" Soobin can't keep his cool anymore. His boyfriend is allowing himself to get hurt by these people because he’s just too kind for his own fucking good. "There's a difference between being grateful and being a pushover."

"I'm not a pushover!" Kai snaps, his tone taking in a new pitch and it’s alarming because Huening Kai never raises his voice to _anyone,_ let alone to him. He looks like he immediately regrets it as he buries his face in his hands and takes a moment. "I'm sorry," he says, lowering his hands; Soobin can tell if he’s being genuine but he’s just so fed up with everything. "Binnie I—I didn't mean to yell. It's been a long day…"

He sighs. "I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have said that. I just hate seeing you like this. I'm not used to being front and center for this: seeing how late you get home, and how on-edge and overworked you are."

"It would be like this at any job. I want to prove myself. I want to be the best. It's not only about paying Hoseok back for giving me this chance – it's also about doing something I can be proud of. That takes hard work. You know what it's like, it's the same with your art. You strive for perfection."

His art is a bit of a raw topic – everything considered – but Kai uses the example to emphasize his point. "Yeah, but the only one putting pressure on me is me. I don't have some tough-love guy breathing down his neck and a coworker that blames me for everything."

"This company is the best, a leader in the global market. And Hoseok _is_ the best. If I want to be the best, I need to be _here_ and learn from _him_."

"Okay, fuck. I understand." Soobin sighs again. He doesn’t want to fight with him. Not only because it’s late and he doesn’t want to cause any friction between them, but also because he can’t trust himself to be completely objective with regards to the issue. Soobin doesn’t want to risk manipulating him, to make decisions because they would suit him – like giving up his hellish job and come to Seoul with him instead. That’s a silly and selfish thought, but he can’t deny that it had crossed his mind during their discussion.

"Let's go to bed, okay?" he says mildly after a moment of silence, hoping the air cleared quickly.

Kai groans and lets himself fall back onto the floor.

"I'm too tired to go to bed." He whines childishly.

Soobin chuckles, relieved there is no residual awkwardness or tension. He gets up from the floor, walks around the table and, without giving him a chance to protest or resist, scoops him up in his arms. Biting back a grunt, because his little boyfriend is not so little anymore, Soobin carries him to the bedroom like a bride. The said bride halfheartedly hits him in his chest but doesn't put up much of a fight. In the bedroom, they undress each other and tumble onto the bed to lazily make-out for a few minutes, not letting it become too intense to the point of no return. After all they are both too tired for anything more than openmouthed kisses and above-the-belt groping.

Kai doesn't sleep at all that night. He’s tossing and turning and Soobin tries to soothe him with soft touches to his arm and light kisses, but he’s still unable to relax.

At some point, Soobin has fallen asleep, his hand still gripping Kai’s tight.

The next morning, Soobin wakes up alone again and there’s another post-it on the fridge.

_Binnie I’m so sorry, I forgot to tell you he made us come in today. I'll try not to be home too late. I'll text, I promise!_ (ಥ﹏ಥ)

Soobin isn’t surprised. It’s not uncommon for Hoseok to call the team in to work on Saturdays, often even on Sundays too. Kai keeps trying to convince him that things would be better once this project gets wrapped up, but Soobin doesn’t believe it even a single bit. There’s always going to be a deadline that would cause him to push himself too hard and expect too much of himself. It’s no different from college so it shouldn't bother him – both of them are used to this, to him having little time off – but it _does_ bother Soobin and he can’t rationally explain it.

Not willing to surrender to another day wasting away on the couch, Soobin gets dressed, throws together a healthy breakfast with Kai's yoghurt and assortment of fresh fruits, and heads out with no concrete idea of where he’s going or what he would be doing. He walks through the neighborhood, trying to get a feel for the place and map out everything.

Soobin is thrilled to find a Starbucks – overpriced coffee always hits the spot. He finds a seat by the windows and nurses an oversized shot of caffeine-to-go, not in any hurry to go anywhere. As he sits there, it starts to rain and the whole street becomes tones of grey, just like their apartment. Soobin doesn’t have an umbrella with him, so once he finishes his coffee he simply pulls his hood up and steps into the pouring rain. He doesn’t mind the rain that much.

Then he just aimlessly walks around, further and further away and initially walks right past a home-interior store which makes him double back. It’s a fun little store, with unique and colorful items that have a real personality to them. On a whim he purchases a big rug with a geometric pattern in several shades of a deep, eggplant purple, figuring it would add some necessary color to the apartment. The clerk offers to have it delivered, but the rolled-up item isn't too heavy and wrapped in plastic anyway so he’s chosen to carry it. He immediately regrets that decision when he gets lost and it takes him over an hour to find his way back home. Halfway he takes a small break on a park bench, sitting there in the rain, with the rug propped up next to him.

As soon as he arrives, Soobin wastes no time getting the coffee table out of the way, rolling out the rug and rearranging some furniture around until he’s satisfied.

"That couch though," he mutters to himself. He’s not going to spend any money on a new couch when this one is serviceable enough, especially since he doesn’t have any money left to spend.

Kai texts him at four pm that he would be home at five.

Half an hour later, he texts him that he'd be home around six-thirty.

Two hours later, he simply texts _Sorry…_ and Soobin immediately knows what it means.

Soobin wakes up to the same scenario again. His boyfriend steps into the apartment, closing the door behind him. He leans back against it heavily, letting out a deep sigh.

"Hey."

"H-Hi," Kai returns, his head dropping low, his features hidden behind his bangs. "I'm sorry…"

"That's okay." Soobin isn’t about to go in for a round two of their discussion from last night. He looks so tired and miserable. "How did it go?"

Suddenly, Kai lets out a sob and hunches over further, his hands moving to cover his face as he cries from stress and exhaustion.

Soobin doesn’t even think. He jumps from his seat and hurries towards him in worry. "Ohh baby, it's okay. Shhh…" he tries to comfort him as he takes him into his arms and feels him shake.

Kai presses his face into his chest as he holds onto a fistful of shirt on his back. "I don't… want to disappoint anyone…" he barely manages to say between painful sobs.

"Baby, hey, Hoseok – and the entire team for that matter – is lucky to have you," he reassures him. "Nobody is as dedicated as you."

"B-But I don't want to disappoint you either," Kai whimpers.

Soobin squeezes him tightly before pulling back a little so he can look him in the eye. "You're not a disappointment," he stresses. "I don't want you to worry about that."

"But now you're finally here and I'm not here! And I have to go to work again tomorrow."

Soobin doesn’t let his sadness show; instead, he forces on a smile. "That's alright. I don't want you to worry about me, or about us. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. We'll have plenty of time." he cups Kai’s flushed face and wipes away both trails of tears with his thumbs. “I’m not going anywhere, baby.”

After guiding him to the couch with an arm around his shoulder, Soobin goes to heat up some food for him. As he stands in front of the microwave – lost in thought – watching the bowl slowly spin around in the machine, Kai suddenly says in a tiny voice: "You bought a rug."

Soobin smiles at him – he’s wondering how long it would take him to notice it. "Yeah."

"It's very purple," he says with a giggle.

Soobin chuckles and concedes again: "Yeah."

"… I l-like it."

Soobin quirks an eyebrow at him. "Yeah?"

"It's very you."

"Hmm, good answer." The microwave beeps and he brings him his belated dinner. “But you know what?”

“What?”

“I chose it because it reminds me of you.”

Kai falls asleep that night, snuggled up against Soobin: his head tucked under his chin, his arm across his chest, one of his legs draped over one of his, just like the old time.

The next morning, Kai is gone before Soobin wakes up. He makes the conscious decision to believe that it’s just a temporary situation and that Kai would have more free time once this first project is completed. In the meantime, Soobin needs a purpose in his own life to keep himself from going bat-shit crazy.

Determined not to give up on his dream of one day being able to earn money with his art, Soobin applies for any and every entry-level, art-related job in the city: reception clerk at galleries, teaching art classes to ten-year olds at the local activity center; from janitor at the Jeju Art Museum to personal assistant to JEJUNI's art curator. And every time, he receives a very polite letter a few days later to inform that other candidates are a more appropriate or more qualified fit.

Soobin also explores the career opportunities in urban planning, but his lack of passion is reflected in his mediocre college grades and lackluster involvement in the kind of extra-curricular activities that future employers liked to see on a recent graduate's résumé. He lands a few interviews thanks to his participation at the summer program of the SIA, and the glowing recommendations his professors had given him. Still, as they leaf through his portfolio, it becomes apparent to them that his skills are uninspiring and anything other than 'scholarly' – to put it nicely. A few days later he gets that familiar letter again in his inbox.

It’s frustrating, and difficult to talk to Kai about it. More and more Soobin finds himself losing sleep as the thoughts of Professor Taehyung's offer keeps occupying his mind.

Soobin doesn’t know what to do; there are no guarantees in art. Even if he does go back and manage to complete the advanced two-year program successfully, it still wouldn't mean that he could become a successful artist. It'd probably be nothing more than a difference between a one-in-a-billion shot and a one-in-a-million shot - if even that. It’s too ridiculous to even give the idea any serious thought.

All Soobin wants for his life is to be with Kai – for a hundred days, even for more than that, he yearned to just be with him again. Why would Soobin ever sacrifice that for a one-in-a-million chance at becoming an artist?

He’s never been so wrong.

Soobin thought having Kai would be enough, but he realizes now something is missing. He wants to believe that it’s because he always worked late and was too tired to go out. He wants to believe that it would eventually solve itself—that once this project ended, it would get better. But that’s not it. He misses the feeling he had all summer long: the confidence that his art is developing and improving with every class. It had been such a great feeling. Even when he made a mistake, he knew the professors would help him learn from it and he wouldn't make that same mistake again. But since arriving in Jeju two months ago, Soobin only picked up a pencil twice, and made two incomplete drawings that he didn't want to finish.

It’s no fun drawing Kai either; his eyes are so different now that he’s tired all the time. Soobin doesn’t doubt that, if it were him faced with his challenges, he would've called it quits long ago. Kai, however, is still driven and honored to be part of the team Hoseok had recruited him into. Part of him suspected that Hoseok has become a kind of substitute father-figure that Kai aimed to please – considering that his biological parents have distanced themselves from him. Still, that doesn't mean his determination and devotion to his work are disingenuous.

Soobin can't make a case that his art is more important than Kai, or that his art meant more to him than Kai’s job meant to him. It’s all too different – there is no way to quantify the parameters and calculate the best solution. Soobin wants to be with Kai, but he also wants to invest in his art. Kai wants to be with Soobin, but he also wants to keep his job.

And where does that leave them?

Soobin doesn’t want to think about it anymore, and he definitely doesn’t want to talk about the offer either.

When he starts applying for jobs at bars and cafés, Soobin quickly learns what it’s like to be a sought-after commodity. He receives enthusiastic calls about his application, and he has plenty of options to choose from. There is a smidgen of pride involved in that.

So he accepts a bartending position at _Acardia_ , a sort of sports gay-meets-gay bar: steering away from stereotypes and embracing the masculinity of homosexual men, along with a friendly and approachable atmosphere. Just as promised, the tips are great. The hours… not so much. Basically, whenever Kai is home – evenings and sometimes the weekends – he’s at work, and vice versa. It becomes another issue neither of them wants to address. Soobin stops badgering Kai about standing up for himself at work, and keeps his mouth shut about the scholarship. In return, Kai doesn't comment on them hardly seeing each other anymore.

It’s almost as bad as when they were living thousands of miles apart.

Kai doesn’t say anything when Soobin wakes him up at four in the morning by rolling into bed next to him, and Soobin doesn’t say anything when Kai happens to wake him up by getting up at six for work. Some mornings they would have sex – either when he comes home or when he’s was about to leave – but other than moaning each other's' names, they don’t say anything.

No, fuck. It’s definitely _worse_ than when they were living thousands of miles apart.

After a few weeks, it occurs to Soobin that he’s sabotaging their relationship by working at the bar, so he quits. He tells Kai he got fired and instead, he gets a new job at a lunchroom serving stale grilled cheese sandwiches to cheapskates. Soobin resents the work, but the positive effect of the change is instant. Kai's work schedule has normalized, they are living _together,_ and they start working their way through the apartment, christening every room like he’d described to him.

When Christmas comes around, Soobint talks him into getting a big tree for the living room. They decorate it with ostentatious, cheap ornaments. He’d bought him a simple, titanium ring, partly so his coworkers and everyone else would at least know that he’s with someone, even if they'd likely never meet him. More importantly, Soobin wants him to know – at every moment of every day – that he’s coming home to someone. Kai giggles at the sentiment and makes a small joke about it at least being better than a vibrator – his gift of choice last Christmas, when their lives were so very different – but Soobin knows he loves the romantic gift. When they make love that night, Kai cradles one hand in the other and keeps touching the ring, seemingly reassured by it and what it represents.

The next morning is time for Soobin to unwrap his present: an elaborate, professional set of art supplies. Acrylic paints, watercolors, oil colors, tons of brushes, masking fluid, canvases, pencils, sketch pads, a palette, brush cleaner, and everything else he could possibly need, including a funny apron to protect his clothes.

"Thank you." Soobin leans in and kisses him sweetly.

Kai beams back. "I thought you could use some quality materials. I haven't seen you draw much and you haven't painted at all. And I figured that they probably spoiled you at SIA with the good stuff," he explains his choice with an endearing smile.

That’s not the problem at all, but now is the worst possible time to tell him he’s trying to let go and give up pursuing his art. Soobin doesn’t feel like he has the right to consider himself anything but a hobbyist. He needs to take a break and come back to it only when he could accept it’s never meant to be anything serious.

They play around with the materials, and end up smearing paint on each other and laughing at the "body art" they created.

How could he not be fully satisfied with a life like this?

Soobin feels so guilty and selfish for wishing for more. He has known from a young age not to expect too much out of life or love, but Soobin is so in love with Kai that it never before occurred to him that his life with him might not be perfect. Problems kept arising and interfering with their happiness: Kai not being able to admit to himself that he could be gay; him making a stupid video of them that got spread around campus; the demands of school; having different aspirations that led them in different directions. To think that, in comparison, they had it easy when they were still in college – at least then, it’s easy to spend time together, and their aspirations naturally have them rooted in the same place – is mind-boggling, and makes Soobin regret all the more how long it took for them to realize that they were always meant to be more than friends. Of those four years they only got to be "together" for a few weeks, before matters got even more complicated.

Soobin doesn’t want any more regrets and he knows risking his relationship to go back to art school could potentially be the biggest regret in his life.

Once they clean themselves up, Soobin gathers up the art supplies and neatly stores them on a high shelf in the laundry room.

It’s not like he’d never draw or paint again, he just needs some time. Soobin needs January to come and go, and for the offer to be off the table forever. Then he could move on, and start thinking about playing with his new brushes and paints.

Being an adult is a pain.

Soobin spots his boyfriend seated at the bar; his back is turned towards him but his messy mop of hair and shapely silhouette is unmistakable. He unbuttons his coat and frets with his hair on the way over to him, smoothing down fly-aways while bypassing the little tables. The seats on either side of him are taken. So he slips between him and the person on his left and makes his presence known.

"Couldn't save me a seat?” he asks teasingly.

Kai turns his head to face him with a horrified expression but he quickly recovers and forces on a smile as he speaks: "Soobin, these are my colleagues," he nods at the dirty-blonde man on the stool left of him that he’d had blocked and the short-haired girl to his right, the Chinese man next to her, and an older man one stool further. "Bae Daehyun, Shin Yuna, Hwang Hyunjin and Jang Youngbae."

Soobin quickly removes his hand from Kai's back and extends it towards Yuna to shake her hand, and gives Hyunjin and Youngbae a friendly nod as they are the colleagues Kai mostly spoke fondly of. Daehyun gets nothing more than a glance over his shoulder.

"Didn't you get his text message?" Kai mildly inquires, hiding his panic well enough for the others to not be able to tell.

"I left my phone at home this morning, sorry." he says sheepishly.

"Why, did you tell your friend not to come because we showed up?" Yuna speaks in a loud, grating voice, but with a genuine smile. "Too cool for the geek-squad, Huening?" She prods his ribs with her elbow, unable to tell that the physical contact made him uncomfortable.

"Not at all," Kai defends, a hint of whine almost bleeding in his voice. "I just thought it would be boring for him if we started talking math, that's all."

"Then we won't talk math; let's talk about something else. It's not every day that I'm surrounded by beautiful men." She pauses and then added with a wink: "And it's cool that Youngbae is here too."

The crew laughs, except Kai – he chews on the inside of his cheek.

Soobin uses the moment to study the group and Yuna is right: the team debunked the nerdy stereotype. Obviously, Kai is drop-dead gorgeous – no surprises there – but Hyunjin is also very attractive with his black, slanted eyes, high cheekbones and swept-back blonde hair. Daehyun is also, admittedly, easy on the eyes: tall and built, his nose was big but suits the roughness of his face; his square jaw balances out his features. Youngbae is older, with a bit of messiness etched to himself and a button-front shirt that he must have picked out the dirty laundry pile that morning: wrinkly and with a stain on the sleeve that he had tried to cover up with a French roll. Yuna herself looks to be athletic, outgoing and 'stylishly geeky' with a black-rimmed pair of glasses that were big for her face but on trend, a grandma sweater with the collar of a skull-patterned button-up peeking out, and long hair with shaved sides.

They look like a pretty interesting group of people. Even though Kai mentions their names countless times, Soobin knows very little about them, aside from their professional expertise. It'd do Kai some good if he would allow himself to befriend them. Soobin regrets that his boyfriend doesn't feel safe and secure enough with his sexuality to let these people get close.

"You have very interesting hair," a deep voice said, then he turns around in time to catch Daehyun flicking his blue-colored hair.

His body goes stiff; Soobin feels violated. Despite the anger bubbling under his skin, he tries to hide his disdain under warp.

"Thanks," he says, but it sounds more like: "Keep your fucking hands to yourself, fucking twit."

"So you're the artsy friend from Seoul," he continues, ignoring Yuna, who enthusiastically agrees that Soobin has wonderful hair, oblivious to the mind-games the bully was trying to play.

"Yeah, sure am."

"Some friendship you guys have," Daehyun drawls and takes a sip of the beer in front of him, slyly grinning at himself. "To follow Kai to the other side of the country."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Soobin says and flags the bartender as he races by to order a drink.

Daehyun frowns. "For what?"

"You've obviously never had a real friend."

The bitch makes a face that causes Youngbae, at the end of the bar, to nearly choke on his club soda.

"What can I get ya?" They’re interrupted by the bartender.

"A _Cosmopolitan_ ," Soobin orders purposefully, paying no heed to the stares he’s getting, even as Kai is one of the people staring.

The bartender doesn't miss a beat. "Sure thing, coming right up." He leaves to fix his drink and returns shortly with a cocktail glass, filled to the brim with the pink liquid, decorated with a slice of lime and a curled piece of orange peel.

"Thanks man," Soobin raises his glass in a toast to the others before taking the first sip. He had cosmos before – working as a bartender he wanted to know what the different cocktails tasted like and he actually liked the taste of them, he just never ordered them because it wasn't socially acceptable for a man to do so. That’s precisely the reason why he ordered it then. If Kai is too afraid of how his colleagues could react to him coming out, Soobin feels like he can use the opportunity to test the waters for him and hopefully show him that the group isn't as biased as he fears.

Yuna leans in curiously. "What do you do for a living? Something having to do with art, I presume?"

The drink is sweet but he can't stop himself from making a bitter face in response to her question. He’s quick to hide it behind a cheeky smile. "Uhm, no, I'm a waiter. But I'm not really a waiter," he adds with a wink, playing on the known trope.

"That must be quite the adjustment. Going from being an art student in Seoul to a waiter in Jeju. Youngbae actually lived in Seoul, didn't you?" She turns to address the older man at the other end.

Youngbae nods. "Wheeling. When I worked for Blue Hour, in Gangnam. My fiancée is from Gwanak."

"Small world," he remarks.

Yuna continues her inquiry: "How are you liking Jeju so far?"

"Pretty good. The weather is not as bad as I thought. Not as much rain."

Yuna nods. "Where do you live?"

He answers before he has time to think of a strategic answer. "With Kai." Soobin can tell right away that he’d said the wrong thing: his boyfriend poorly hides his discomfort as he reaches for his glass of sparkling water.

Yuna and the others frown at the answer.

"Yeah, he's been letting me crash at his place 'till I find a place of his own," he tries to salvage.

"But haven't you been here since October of last year?" Daehyun counters.

Soobin turns around and spots his knowing smirk. He kind of wants to punch the ugly mug. "Making rent as a waiter is kind of a tall order. Luckily, Kai is patient with me." The older man casually pats Kai’s back and feels how tense he is. His boyfriend won’t even look at him, he just stares into his glass.

Yuna agrees without any suspicion. "Totally. I remember what it was like when I first moved here. Finding an apartment at a decent price was a bloodbath. I was still working at my old company at the time, you can imagine how well that gig paid. We didn't all come from a fancy place like Blue Hour."

They all nod like that’s supposed to mean anything.

"Not gonna lie, I considered tripping an old lady down the stairs to get a studio apartment I had his eye on," Hyunjin chimes in.

Everything seemed perfectly fine until Daehyun interrupts: "Huening, isn't your place a one-bedroom apartment though?"

Since Kai is not capable of smoothly brushing off the inquiry, so Soobin supplies in his stead. "Me and his couch are like this," he crosses his index and middle finger.

"I can imagine. Three months of couch-surfing is quite the feat," he deadpans.

"Has anyone ever mentioned you sound like that rowdy boy from 2000s cartoon everyone just hates cause he talks too much without being prompted?" he shoots back.

Daehyun scowls. "No."

"Well, not to your face they haven't. But trust me, it has crossed their minds."

The other three laugh – Kai, not so much. "It has," Yuna and Hyunjin agreed in unison.

Soobin smiles. They’re not bad people, even though they laughed along with Daehyun's homophobic jokes. It looks like they are just easily amused.

His boyfriend is not amused. Not at all. Soobin switches to pleasant small talk to not agitate him further.

The group orders ribs, burgers and French fries – and a small bowl of Ramen for Kai. They eat at the bar. Soobin is engaged in a loud conversation with Yuna and Hyunjin and Youngbae occasionally joins in. Kai pretends to be completely focused on his food, while Daehyun is thoughtfully observing the exchange from behind his back, which Soobin purposefully keeps turned towards him, shutting him out. They discuss movies, music, high school crushes, local elections – eventually reviews the best bars and restaurants in town and he innocently recommends _Acardia_ , mostly because he hasn’t been to many places and feels awkward not having anything to add to the conversation.

That is when Daehyun inserted himself into the discussion. "Isn't that a gay bar?"

Kai is shrinking into himself.

Soobin faces Daehyun fearlessly. "Yeah, it is."

"You go there?"

"I worked there for a while." With the quirk of his eyebrow Soobin challenges him to ask the question.

Challenge accepted. "Are you a fairy?"

"No." Kai's noticeable relief is temporary. "But I am gay."

The fact doesn't surprise Daehyun, but he is caught off guard by his willingness to admit it. "And I'm guessing you'd be the woman?" he says mockingly, his eyes darting from his pink drink to his brightly colored hair.

"The whole point of being a gay man is that there is 'no woman'."

"Oh? I thought being gay was all about vagina-envy."

Soobin clenches his fists. He shouldn't let him get on his nerves, but he has a real knack for it.

"Jesus, Daehyun – don't be a dick," Yuna chastises as an uncomfortable witness to the pissing contest.

"I'd rather be a dick than a pussy."

"And I'd rather lick a dick than a pussy. What's your fucking problem with that?" Soobin snaps.

"I don't have a problem with that. As long as they don't pretend they are still real men."

"Daehyun, shut your trap! This isn't funny!" Hyunjin bellows.

The bitch snorts. "Don't be so PC, guys. You were all laughing at this shit last week."

Yuna bristles on her seat. "It was funny because we thought you were being harmlessly crude and just saying things for shock value. It's not the same when you're actually trying to offend someone."

Well, this is unexpected. Soobin is kind of pleased with the others standing up for him and he hopes Kai takes notice of it as well.

But then his boyfriend shoots up from his seat and mumbles: "I have to take a piss." He bodily pushes past him to get away from the bar.

"I wonder what his problem is…" Daehyun sarcastically speaks into his drink.

After a moment of contemplation, he too announces that he has to go to the restroom and pays no attention to Daehyun's look. Soobin worms his way through the crowd to the restrooms in the back. It’s only a small space: one stall, two urinals and one sink.

Kai is waiting for him.

"What was that?" He demands.

"Showing you that they aren't as bad as you think. Well, except Daehyun; he is a bitch." He chuckles sheepishly but his boyfriend is not amused.

"This isn't funny, Soobin! I don't want to come out at work."

"And you don't have to if you really don't want to."

Kai scoffs at his naiveté. "After that little show of yours, they are all going to be thinking the same thing: that I'm gay too."

"So what? Yuna, Hyunjin and Youngbae seemed cool with the idea of me being gay. They shut down Daehyun's bullshit."

"But Daehyun was right! That was the same stuff that usually made them laugh."

"And now they've learned their lesson. Now they realize that the jokes Daehyun made are offensive. They just needed an eye-opener like this. I'm confident it'll be different now. They're not assholes, they were just a little ignorant." Soobin reaches for him in an attempt to give him a comforting hug, but Kai pulls away.

"This was not your decision," he hisses.

"What's the problem? Seriously, I don't understand why you are so upset about this?"

"I don't want people to think less of me! I don't want to keep falling short of expectations!"

Soobin narrows his eyes at him. "Whose expectations?"

_"Everyone's!”_ Kai blurts out desperately, a hint of tears begin to show in his eyes. “I'm nothing like what people want me to be – I keep failing! I'm not what my mother wanted me to be; I'm not what my father wanted me to be; I'm not what my sisters wanted me to be; I'm not what Hoseok wanted me to be; I'm not what you wanted me to be – I'm tired of being a constant disappointment! For once, I just want to be what they want me to be, I’m so—!"

"Hold on," Soobin interrupts his emotional-fueled ramble. "What do you mean 'you're not what _I_ want you to be'? Why would you think that?"

“Because I’m not!” The younger man cries out again, going even more hysteric. "I'm not brave like you want me to be; I'm not open like you want me to be; our life together is not what you want it to be," Before Soobin can argue with him, he continues: "I can tell that I'm _not_ enough!"

Soobin reels back at his outburst and his heart broke at the sight of his boyfriend’s beautiful eyes welling up with tears he refuses to shed.

“I just want to be enough but I can tell I'm not! I could tell the very first day you came here. God, I _hate_ myself! Why am I never enough? _Why?"_

"Baby no, you _are_ enough – you're _more_ than enough." Soobin grabs his shoulders and shakes him to emphasize his point. “Kai, listen to me. You're more than I deserve. I’m so happy to finally be here with you, you know that right?”

He pushes his hands away. "No! That’s a lie! You're not happy here but I _don't_ know how to make you happy. I don't know what you want, but there is something – something! – and I know that there's _nothing_ I can do."

"I just need some time to adjust," Soobin says in a hushed tone, hoping to be able to calm him down. The grungy restroom of a bar is not the place to tell him about the offer that Taehyung made him – the offer that would expire by the end of the month.

"You're not painting. You're not drawing," accuses Kai, still fighting back the tears. And that’s the final nail to the coffin. “Soobin… you just… you _stopped_.”

Soobin is speechless for a moment, unable to speak. How long has he been feeling like this? And why didn't he notice a thing? Fuck, he feels like the worst boyfriend ever.

"I will, I will. God, Kai, I’m so—" Finally, he’s able to wrap his arms around him and pulls him into a tight embrace. "I'm sorry… I had no idea—" Soobin clears his throat, his own emotions getting the better of him, "I had no idea I made you feel this way. I'm sorry, and I'm sorry about pushing you to come out. It's just…" he pulls back just enough to look him in his eyes and feels the stab of a dagger in his heart at the wet trails down his flushed cheeks. "I got the feeling _you_ weren't completely happy. You're always so tired and so stressed, so I-… I wanted to help. I thought I would be helping you."

Kai presses his nose into his chest – he doesn't want to talk anymore, Soobin knows that, so he just holds him close. He thinks it’s just him who is shaking, but he realizes that he’s too.

"Let's go home, okay?" Soobin mutters into his mop of hair after a while. “Let me take you home, baby.”

"I have to go back to the office."

He sighs and they let go of each other. “Okay, if that's what you want.”

Kai goes back to the office.

Soobin goes back to the apartment, alone.

Once at home, he heads for his phone, still charging on the kitchen counter. When he flicks it on he notices the missed messages from Kai.

_We got our dinner break right on time. Heading to the bar now~ ۹(Ò_ ہ _Ó)۶_

Then, with a timestamp of only a few minutes later, _I'm sorry Binnie. Don't come. My coworkers are here. They won't leave and I can't leave either._ _(⋟﹏⋞)_

Three minutes after that another _I'm sorry_. Kai probably thought he’s not responding to the message because he was angry.

He had received an email as well. Soobin opened the app and clicked on the new email – his heart rate picking up at the address of the sender: Professor Taehyung of the Seoul Art Institute.

_Happy new year. I really wish to hear from you. I had hoped you would have contacted me already with good news. You have until the twenty-eighth; if I don't hear from you by then, I'll have to submit another candidate for the scholarship program._

  1. _Taehyung_



Soobin reads the letter one more time before he groans. Talk about the worst timing ever.

Now that he has some time to think, Soobin can’t really tell if the timing is the worst ever or if it is exactly what he needs.

Things are fragile between both of them, but he couldn't keep denying the yearning he feels deep in his bones. Soobin can feel – as much as he could – that he’s not entirely present. He’s shutting himself off from his own happiness. He willingly made that sacrifice to be with Kai without ever realizing that part of him is one of the reasons why Kai fell in love with him in the first place. He’s not only shutting himself off from his own happiness, he’s also taking it away from himself as well; the passion and drive that he’d never experienced in anything else.

If Soobin were to allow himself to become a lesser version of himself, how could he expect it not to affect his connection with Kai?

Soobin ends up on the couch in front of the TV, all but pulling out his laptop into his lap and does the exact thing he’d been too scared to do for the past few months: he goes to the website of the SAI and researches the two-year program. Taehyung wasn't exaggerating when he warned him that it would be an intensive program. All the different techniques, styles and applications of art have their own in-depth courses, in addition to countless electives – and Soobin’d always loved electives. The slideshow of the campus photos at the top of the page is distracting. He misses the school itself and the professors who had so generously assisted him.

With a heavy, sick feeling in the pit of his stomach, Soobin realizes that it feels like home, in a way the apartment doesn't.

Soobin scrolls through the career opportunities page. Even if he wouldn't get that one-in-a-million shot at being "discovered" – whatever that means – at least he'd have a real shot at proving he’s really isn’t just a waiter. He can be anything he wants if only he were to try: Comic Book Illustrator. Video Game Designer. Storyboard Artist. Graphic Designer. Museum Exhibit Designer. Logo Designer. Book Cover illustrator. Tattoo Artist. Art Therapist. University Art Instructor.

Following an epiphany, Soobin looks into The Art Institute of Jeju but quickly has his hopeful heart stomped on. Yearly tuition fees are approximately thirty-hundred-thousand won. Based on his father's wealth – even though he’s never going to receive another dime from him – he’s only eligible for minor financial college aid. Soobin does the math anyway, wondering if they could somehow make it work, but aside from the fact that even Kai's job doesn't pay _that_ well, Soobin really wants to go back to The Art Institute where he’s had been – where he felt confident, and felt like people had his back and his best interests at heart, and on top of everything, it would be free.

Soobin doesn’t want to be this aimless not-really-a-waiter type of guy, maybe pedaling his art to tourists at street fairs on the weekends. He wants to achieve something with his art, find a field in which he could excel, like Kai does.

In a way, Soobin is jealous of Kai. His boyfriend has something to be proud of, a skill that made him unique. He wants to develop his art so he can have that kind of occupational pride as well. _"Hi, I'm Soobin and I'm a waiter?"_ That’s not going to work for him in the long run. Maybe he could get a job with his college degree if he sticks to it long enough; if those four years at college taught him anything, it’s that he doesn’t want to be a common office worker.

There is a nauseous feeling in his stomach. His organs feel inverted and twisted inside-out.

No matter how much Soobin loves Kai, he realizes that he needs to be more than just “Kai's boyfriend”. But Soobin also doesn't want to be "Kai's ex". Fuck, he doesn’t want to lose him. Soobin couldn’t lose him. Not now, never.

There is no doubt in his mind that his relationship with Kai is the most important thing in his life, and instinctively he decides that everything has to make way for them to be together. That might work for a couple of years, but if he'd let this chance to finally attend art school slip through his fingers, the what-ifs will always haunt him, and burden them in the process. Soobin will end up resenting his soft-hearted boyfriend, even though none of it would be his fault; or Kai will be the one who ends up resenting him for becoming a shadow of his former because he’d chosen to sacrifice his happiness for him.

There’s no winning in this, Soobin realizes.

His heart skips a beat when he hears the jingle of keys on the other side of the door. Soobin glances at the clock at the bottom right of the screen and is caught off guard by how late it is. How long has he been sitting there? Soobin snaps his laptop shut and places it on the coffee table. He puts some magazines on it, like he’s hiding a murder weapon.

Kai steps into the apartment and softly closes the door behind him. Soobin can’t find anything appropriate to say, so he waits in silence. When he finally looks his way, he offers him a smile.

"Hi."

"Hey."

"What are you sitting in the dark for?"

"Oh… I’m—" Soobin gestures at the TV, "I'm watching a movie." he points at the screen as the scene plays out, racking his brain for the title of the flick, should he ask, so he can keep up with the pretenses. He doesn’t like this dishonesty between them. Deep down he knows that both of them have been telling little white lies to appease the other, to live up to expectations, like Kai said. But he’s the one keeping the big secret and there is no excuses to ease his guilt.

Thankfully, Kai doesn't ask about the movie.

With a sigh he announces that he’s going to take a shower and promptly stalks across the living room to the bedroom. While he showers, Soobin turns on some lights, puts his laptop away in a drawer and makes two cups of coffee. He settles himself back into the sofa, right as Kai emerges from the bedroom.

"Hey, I made coffee." He nods at the extra cup on the coffee table.

"Thanks Binnie, but I shouldn't. It's late, I need to go to bed asap." Still though he sits down on the couch, twisted his body around, and lies down with his head in Soobin’s lap.

Soobin puts his cup down on the end-table next to the couch and easily caresses his fingers through his boyfriend’s fluffy hair. They stay quiet for a long time. Although they both know that they need to talk, neither of them is looking forward to it. Soobin looks down onto his lap. Kai lies there with his eyes closed, enjoying the warmth of his fingers that run through his hair. From the way his breathing evens out, Soobin can tell he’s one second away from falling asleep and he toys with the idea of just letting him. But he’s holding himself for too long, putting stress on both of them. The timing isn't exactly perfect, but there has to be full disclosure between them.

So he decides that tonight will be the night.

"We need to talk."

Kai cracks his eyes open before he closes them stubbornly.

"I don't wanna talk."

Soobin smiles at his childishness. "Me neither, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't."

"I don't have anything else to say," he responds. "No, wait, I have. I’m—I’m sorry about freaking out earlier today. I'm just not ready for everyone to know about us. It's none of their business anyway. But I'm not angry anymore. I went back to the office and everything was fine – it doesn't seem like anyone caught on."

He nods. "I'm glad things didn't get weird at work. I'm sorry too, about putting you in that position. I pushed too hard. I was being a real bitch _._ I'm sorry _._ "

Kai lets out a soft giggle. "Apology accepted. I'm sorry too. You know that I’m trying, right? And I’ll keep trying until everything falls into place."

“I know.” Soobin smiles at him. "I accept your apology too."

"Then there's nothing left to talk about." He closes his eyes again and pulls his other hand onto his chest, lacing his fingers into mine. "You finish your movie; I'll just sleep here for a little bit."

"But—“ Soobin sighs. "Hey, don’t fall asleep yet. There is something else I have to say." Noting the serious tone in his voice Kai opens his eyes again and sits up. "I've been keeping a secret from you since I moved here because I thought not telling you would be better for us… but that's not fair to either of us."

Kai stares at him, a bunch of emotions visible in his pretty eyes. His expression settles into something sad and betrayed. "There was—There was someone in Seoul?" he asks in a small, tiny voice.

Soobin’s eyes widen. "No! Nonono! Kai, no, there hasn't been anyone else. No one but you."

His boyfriend trusts him and looks embarrassed about drawing such a rash conclusion. "Then what is it? You're freaking me out."

Soobin adjusts in his seat so he can face him properly. "There is no one in Seoul, but there is something there for me." _Stop being so vague! It's not doing either of you any favors. Spit it out!_ "Professor Taehyung – you remember him, right? I mentioned him?" _Don't try to stall, you idiot,_ he chastises himself.

"Yes? But why are you stalling?"

Soobin smiles bitterly, then just blurts it all out. "He offers me a full scholarship to the two-year art program at the institute." He studies Kai’s face as he registers his word. Soobin’s heart clenches at the flicker of happiness that appears then disappears as quickly as he processes the information. Soobin knows that Kai must be happy for him, but then he must also have realized what it means.

"When did he make you that offer?" he asks quietly.

"I got an email today," Soobin shakes his head – no fuck it, he has to be truthful. "He told me the day I flew out here. He told me that he and the other professors were really impressed by my work and his drive and that they wanted to give me one of the scholarships that they are allowed to give, as members of the scholarship board. I have until the twenty-eighth to decide; the program starts at the end of February."

"You've known since October and you're only telling me this _now_?" Kai gets up from the couch.

"I know! I know, I shouldn't have kept it a secret. I don't want it to be a secret anymore – I can't take it. I want us to talk about it."

Kai turns his back towards him. He’s silent for a moment, running a hand through his hair before he turns around. His already pale face looked paler, his eyebrows are pinched together in both disappointment and confusion.

"What's there to talk about? You've obviously already made your decision. You want to go."

"I didn't say that!" he argues.

"Soobin, you've had months to think about this offer.” He says simply with a bitter smile. “Don't try to tell me that all this time you haven't given it any thought, and you haven't realized your feelings by now. You've had _plenty_ of time to figure out which way you lean. If it had turned out that you didn't want to go back, you wouldn't be telling me this now. If you were happy and content here, you would've forgotten about it. The fact that you're telling me means that you want to go."

Soobin can’t deny his logic. So he just sits there, quietly praying to myself that he would understand that it doesn't mean that he loves him any less.

His boyfriend laughs weakly. "Well, I guess we might as well start packing up your stuff."

"Kai… If you ask me to stay, I'll stay."

His boyfriend lets out a small laugh, but his eyes are betraying him.

"You know very well I'm not going to ask you to stay. What kind of person would I be if I took this away from you?" he shakes his head adamantly. "No, in fact, I'm telling you – I'm _telling_ you – you need to go. And you _will_ go. To be offered that scholarship is an amazing honor and a huge opportunity. It's what you always wanted, and it proves something I've always known but you've always doubted. I'm not going to let you doubt that any longer; you are a great artist and you _deserve_ this second chance." His voice is shaking as he rambles on. "Your dad, he—he took that chance away from you… I would never… I would never—" Kai bites down at his lower lip helplessly at not being able to find the right words and immediately covers his mouth with his hand to hide his pain, bowing his head, casting his gaze down to the floor to give himself a moment to compose himself.

Soobin knows he doesn’t want him to comfort him at that moment; Kai wants to pretend that he’s not on the verge of tears, and he needs him to pretend like he doesn’t notice a thing. So even though Soobin aches to get up and envelopes his trembling body with his arms, he doesn’t move from the couch.

"But Kai, if my dad had let me go to art school, I would have never met you." Soobin’s breath hitches, and with a bittersweet smile, he takes a moment to keep his own cool. Then he continues: "What if me going to art school now means missing out on something else? Something amazing? Something between us?" He still can't look at him but Soobin can tell his words hit home. "Not going to art school four years ago led to me meeting you, befriending you, and falling in love with you. I wouldn't want to go back in time to trade that now. I'm so happy with how things turned out.

Kai sobs harder and it’s so hard—so _fucking_ hard to keep himself to just walk there and gather him between his arms.

"I'm scared that going back to Seoul will stand in the way of us being together – that it might ruin us. It'd kind of be like going back in time and changing things: getting to go to art school, but not getting to be with you."

It hurts seeing him cry, but Soobin lets him. He lets Kai pour all the pain and as soon as his sobs die out, Soobin takes step forward only to be stopped midway when Kai suddenly takes a deep, steadying breath and bravely meets his gaze again.

“Soobinie?”

“Yeah?”

"You love me, right?"

Soobin digs his nails to keep his feet rooted to the ground, though it’s apparent that he’s ready to jump up and leap towards Kai to press him against him should he say the word.

"Of course.” he says breathlessly. “Baby, I love you _so much,"_

"And I love you.” Kai says tearfully. “We just have to trust that being apart won't ruin that; that what we feel for each other is stronger than that."

"Those hundred days were horrible," Soobin reminds him, before he would agree to something he would instantly regret. "It's going to be like that, maybe even _worse_."

"We can do it," he asserts. "That letter you wrote me, after 'video-gate' – the letter you asked Taehyun to give me?"

He nods. The letter in which he confessed his feelings for him… the letter that is framed on his night stand.

"You wrote: 'If we are brave, we can make this work'," he says with a helpless smile. "And we _did_ make it work, and there is no shame in having to 'work' at it. You know what that means, Binnie?”

Kai pauses to look at him, trail of tears wet on his flushed cheeks, but his eyes are shining and smile soft.

“We just have to be brave again."

That’s when Soobin decides that he can’t stay put any longer. He rushes towards Kai and wraps his arms around him, dipping his head to press his nose into the crook of his neck where his most favorite part of his body lies.

"I love you so much." He twists his fingers into the shirt on his back, squeezing his warm body closer to him as he kisses each mole on his face. "I'm sorry for keeping this a secret and springing it on you like this. I don't like not being honest and completely open with you. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess we both just desperately wanted to live up to expectations."

Soobin kisses the corner of eyes, then his rosy cheek before he moves his lips to his mouth. It’s just a simple kiss, yet the most intimate kiss they’ve shared in a while, without the emotional distance between them. Kai raises his hands to cup his face and darts his tongue out in a challenge to deepen the kiss. He suspects that he can feel as well that a weight has been lifted off them, even though they have hard times ahead. Soobin is so fucking grateful for his understanding, and he’s reminded that – before Kai is his lover – he’s his best friend first, and he just wants the best for him even when that means they wouldn't be together physically.

“Baby?”

“Hm?”

"Will you let me make love to you?" he asks softly as he caresses his cheek.

The younger man nods and catches his bottom lip with his teeth for a second. His arms encircle his neck and they fall back to the couch where he sits down with Kai in his lap. Before long they are undressed, but not fully because they’re too impatient. Kai's open button-up is still hanging off his shoulders, and Soobin doesn’t even bother with taking off his jeans; he simply opens the fly up as much as it could.

They moan in unison when he’s finally seated in, and after a while Soobin settles with a slow rhythm. Kai rolls his hips and he pushes off the couch cushion, only slightly. They don’t need much more than that; they are more focused on the kiss, parting only to breathe or kiss each other's faces. Soobin has one hand on the small of his back in the sexy arch, and the other is on the back of his head. Kai has both his hands buried in his hair and he’s not shy about ravishing his mouth and angling his face as much as he needs.

As they both get close to their imminent release, Kai presses his cheek to his, not able to maintain the sensual kisses any longer; his gasps and whimpers are puffs of hot air in his ear. Soobin reaches between them and with a light touch of his fingers, he brings him over the edge and Kai does the same with him. His cry is painfully loud in his ear, yet he still manages to drown him out with his own shout.

Powerless in the aftermath, Kai sags forward against him. Although they are all sweaty, tangled mess, Soobin doesn’t mind in the least. He enjoys getting to stay inside him longer, when he’s usually had to get out fast so he could clean up.

Kai turns his head slightly, resting one cheek on his shoulder so he can look at him. "I haven't congratulated you yet." His boyfriend whines at his forgetfulness, prompting Soobin to chuckle softly. "Congratulations," he whispers, being serious. "I'm really happy for you, Binnie. And I'm proud of you."

"I know. I'm not Picasso, though." he retorts with a big smile, "Taehyung said I still have a long way to go."

"And you'll go all the way."

The smile that lingers on Soobin’s face brightens even more. "Thank you. For believing in me. And for believing in us."

Kai presses his hot lips against his shoulder and the simple kiss sets his heart alight. "Just don't hold it against me if I have days when I'll regret ever letting you leave."

Soobin chuckles at his dry tone. "It's definitely going to suck at times."

"There are going to be some lonely nights, and I might say something selfish or passive-aggressive… I might send a shitty email or something… but I don't want you to pay attention to that or think it means you need to get your ass back here, okay? It'll just be me having a mood."

He kisses his forehead in agreement. “I’ll try my best. But if you do really want me to come back, I need you to tell me, because I will come back."

Kai nods in silent agreement and his eyes slip shut. His baby must be tired, he feels bad for not letting him rest longer before he poured all these messes to him.

"We should probably get you a new toy, don’t you like that?" Soobin teases to lighten the atmosphere. They’d just ceremoniously dumped the previous vibrator after using it on his first day in Jeju.

Kai merely whines in response to his joke. As soon as they are disentangled, Soobin sweeps him off his feet, ignoring his protests, and carries him to the bedroom. He places him on the bed and fetches a warm, wet cloth to lovingly clean his skin. After quickly cleaning himself up as well, Soobin crawls into bed with him.

“Goodnight, baby.” He kisses his forehead.

“Goodnight, Binnie.”

When Soobin wakes up in the morning, he finds himself alone in bed. For a moment there he thinks that Kai has left him and his stomach churns a little; but then he hears the whir of the blender and is happy to realize it was a Sunday. His adorable boyfriend is home, making a bowl of smoothie, and after that they have the whole day to cuddle and mess around. Soobin picks a pair of boxers and sweatpants out of the drawer and slips on a vest as he steps out of the bedroom, not bothering to zip it up. He rounds the corner and takes a moment to observe his boyfriend, pouring a muted red, thick liquid from the blender into a big glass. He thinks for sure he hadn't noticed his presence, but without ever turning to face him he purrs: "Good morning, Binnie."

Soobin grins. "Hmmm. Good morning, baby."

Kai turns around and leans the small of his back against the edge of the kitchen counter. He takes a sip of the big smoothie. “Coffee?" Without waiting for a reply, he presses the silver button at the top of the coffee machine and the thing hums to life. Soobin prefers to get his morning dose of caffeine from the coffee shop, but he doesn’t want to leave the apartment, so he happily made do with home-made.

Seeing that his boyfriend is waiting for him to take the mug, Soobin closes the distance between them. He takes the cup from him while smoothly leaning in to plant a kiss on the corner of his mouth. Then he positions himself next to him at the counter, standing shoulder to shoulder with him.

"So about last night," he starts carefully. Kai slightly turns his head to indicate he’s listening, but doesn't quite face him as he kept sipping at his smoothie, "No regrets?"

He finally casts his gaze up at him, smiling softly. "Nope."

"So I should email Professor Taehyung?"

"Yes. I want you to do this. I want you to be happy. I thought just having you here would make me happy, but I've realized I'm not happy if you're not happy."

Soobin drapes an arm over his shoulder and leans his head towards him. "It's not like I'm _unhappy_ here."

"But you're not really happy here either. You're not yourself here," Kai says, his smile turning a bit sad. "I need you to be yourself…" but then it’s replaced by a teasing grin. "I kind of love you as yourself, you know?"

"Hmmm," Soobin leans in for another kiss. "What did I ever do to deserve you?"

"Who said you deserve me?" He banters. "Boy, you got lucky." When he walks away to head for the shower Soobin reaches out and pinches one ass cheek. He swats his hand away and lets out a laugh.

That same day, Soobin types up his email response to Professor Taehyung, finally saying 'yes' to the offer, but he doesn’t send the email before he’s assured that his boyfriend is ready for this challenge. When he repeats the words Soobin needs to hear, he finally presses 'send'. His palms are clammy; he’s just as excited as he’s anxious, but he’s done worrying about it – that demands too much brain space. Neither of them should have to feel guilty about pursuing their dreams. Of course they had ambitions beyond their relationship: just like Kai shouldn't have to feel guilty about working overtime, Soobin shouldn't have to feel guilty about investing in his art.

There is no awkwardness or resentment between them and Soobin is grateful. They enjoy the time they get to spend together, even more so because the moments are few and far between and he would have to leave soon. Professor Taehyung sends him an excited email back the same day. He states that he would complete his application on his behalf and get back to him on the details later. A week later, Soobin gets another longer email and everything becomes concrete. His application is accepted; a full scholarship – tuition and board – for the two-year program. Included in the email is a sign-up form for the electives, with a maximum of three electives every semester. Soobin toys with the idea of not signing up for the electives – to free up some time to head back and forth between Seoul and Jeju – but Kai would have none of it; he helps him pick out three electives for the first two semesters and pouts at him everytime he tries to drop one of them.

Soobin is expected to be back at the institute on the twenty-fifth of February to pick up the books and materials needed for his classes, his roster, and get a dorm-room assigned to him. To be honest, he doesn’t look forward much to living in a dorm, but it’s fully paid for by the scholarship so he wouldn't have to work much to earn extra money; hopefully that meant he could fly out to Jeju at least once or twice every couple of months. He and Kai make jokes about what his roommate would be like and he playfully warns him not to get any ideas, like his friends-with-benefits master plan.

As the days of February get scratched off the calendar, Soobin knows he wants to do something memorable on the twenty-fourth, before he flows back to Seoul the next morning. Unfortunately, Kai can't entirely get out of going to work that day, but he manages to get home at three in the afternoon so they can still spend some quality time together. He’d probably expected to spend the entirety of the rest of the day in bed, getting fucked silly, but Soobin plans to save that for a little later. When he arrives home, Soobin tells him to change into something casual so they could go downtown. He emerges from the bedroom ten minutes later dressed in jeans and a long-sleeved shirt and sporting a confused frown.

"I want to get you a present," Soobin informs him as he tells him which turns to take.

"You're the one going away," he states, "—so you should be the one to get a going-away present."

"Oh, I will," he replies, his lips forming a smirk when Kai shoots him a sideway glance. "It'll be a dual purpose gift, I guess. A going-away present for me and a staying-behind present for you."

"This sounds awfully familiar."

"Oh?"

"This sounds like the same bullshit you fed me at our last Christmas in college. When you got me that first vibrator? And I said I couldn't afford to give you a present and you said something along the lines of: 'If I play his cards right, we'll both get to enjoy this present'."

Soobin only grins in response. "I guess I've said too much, now I've ruined the surprise."

"Seriously? Are we really going to waste our last day buying a vibrator?" He sounds completely betrayed.

"It won't be a waste, trust me. We're going to get a new, proper vibrator and make some happy memories with it so you can enjoy yourself until we meet again." Soobin flashes him another cheeky grin.

"Couldn't you have just taken me out to dinner or something?"

"I will. But first: vibrator."

Kai whines but Soobin isn’t fooled – he knows the idea is titillating to him. His resentment of the toy might have been his fault; Soobin had no idea what he’s doing when he picked it out and went with the simplest, straightforward model that was very similar to that first toy he got him. Kai would know better what kind of toy would feel nice for him, he should’ve let him choose.

Five minutes later they arrive at their destination: a sizable sex-toy shop hidden in the sidewalk of the shopping district. Soobin heads inside, only to realize Kai isn't following him, so he walks back and with a chuckle, dragging his unwilling boyfriend along.

"Soobin, don't – this is embarrassing," Kai whines, trying to free his hand from Soobin’s tight grip as he searches for the appropriate aisle.

"There's no need for you to be embarrassed, cutie.” He pulls their joined hands and leaves a chaste kiss against the back of Kai’s hand. “Everybody has sex and everybody masturbates."

"Yeah, but not every guy- Oh my God!" Suddenly Kai stops dead in his tracks and Soobin can’t tug him from his spot – confirming his suspicion that he isn't putting up that much of a fight to begin with. He has his face turned away, but he can still see his wide, shocked eyes and the bright red on his fluffy cheeks.

"What?" Soobin asks with a chuckle. He laughs even harder when Kai meekly points up ahead. There’s so much stuff on the walls, he doesn’t think he would ever pinpoint it, until he sees it and he knows that has to be the thing.

Propped up on a shelf is a black dildo the size and width of his entire forearm, the head of the dong as big as a man's clenched fist.

"Ah, I think our search is over.” Soobin licks his lips hungrily when the image of his boyfriend fucking himself silly on that enormous thing flashes across his mind. But he knows it’s still too much for him. “Hey, let's find the clerk and ask her to wrap it up." he jokes.

"Don't you fucking dare, Choi." Kai slowly turns back around and regards the enormous toy with apparent disgust and fear. He almost can't look directly at it, it’s making him uncomfortable.

"Well, it's about the size of a fist. You've heard of fisting, right?"

"What do you mean?"

" _Fisting_?" Soobin quirks a bemused eyebrow at him.

"That's slang for regular masturbating, right? Because you—" He forms a fist with his hand but with a tunnel between the fingers to fit an erection. "Because you fuck your own fist."

Soobin grins at his adorableness and leans in for a kiss. "God, why are you so pure? I almost feel bad now. My innocent little boyfriend."

"I’m not innocent," he says, eyebrows knitting in defiance. "I'm just not that interested in watching other guys fuck."

"What kind of porn do you watch?"

"Usually…" He feels silent when another customer walks by the aisle they’re currently standing in. "U-Usually solo-stuff. With guys that kind of… look like you, I guess." He makes a face. "Why is this even relevant?" he whines.

Soobin shakes his head, totally endeared. "You're just too cute, baby."

"Don't call me that in public," he whines and lets Soobin guide him into the appropriate aisle. "Oh my God, I think I just figured out what 'fisting' is…" he mutters to himself.

Soobin can only laugh and urges him to pay attention to the task at hand. He nods at the shelves of toys in front of them; all shapes and sizes, colors and materials. "Which one do you think you'd like?"

"Anything will be fine," he says in an attempt to hurry the process along. "It won't be as good as the real thing anyway."

"Aww, baby, you flatter me." Kai turns so red and Soobin resists the temptation to kiss him because what the fuck his boyfriend is so adorable? But he’s forced to stop when a store clerk approaches them. Kai visibly shrinks beside him despite their almost matching height, knowing he’s not going to spare him any embarrassment.

"Hey guys," she greets. "Need any help?"

"No," says Kai at exactly the same time as Soobin replies with a: "Yes".

She smiles widely at them, obviously amused. "Seems to be a bit of confusion and miscommunication going on here. I hope I can help clear that up. Who are we shopping for?"

"Him," Soobin elbows Kai in the side, feeling how tense he is.

"And you're looking to buy a vibrator or a dildo?" She inquires casually, with zero judgment or amazement.

"A vibrator."

The clerk nods. "Will it be your first sex toy?"

Since his baby boyfriend isn't going to engage in the conversation, considering how red he is with embarrassment, Soobin finally takes over. "No, I bought two for him before, kind of the same type, but I think we need something… different."

"Sure, yeah. So what was the model that you had previously?"

He shrugs. "I don't actually remember the name or anything."

"No, that's not what I mean. What were the specs?" She clarifies with an unassuming smile.

"Oh, uhm…" Soobin pauses to give Kai time to jump in but he just stares at him, eyes wide and face so red like he’s about to pass out. "They were both really simple. Basically just a slim, straightforward rod, tapered at the head, maybe an inch thick? And a twist-end to intensify the vibrations."

"And the material?"

"Plastic. Plain. Smooth."

"Right. Sooo… a basic bitch?"

Soobin laughs at the term. "Yeah."

She moves in front of the shelves, taking a few steps back and then grabs one of the show-models from a shelf. "Something like this?"

"Yeah, that's pretty much it."

"Okay, so we don't want something like this?"

"No, definitely not."

She puts the toy back in its place and scours the assortment as she continues to ask questions to narrow down the search. Soobin refuses to answer, since the whole point is for Kai to find something he'd like, so he keeps his mouth shut knowing that the uncomfortable silences will force him to speak up.

To the question of what he doesn't like about the other models, he answers with a beet-red face: "I didn't like how easily they went in… And I didn't like that they were so smooth, there wasn't any friction."

"Okay, I can work with that. We should probably look at something with some texture and maybe silicone as opposed to plastic." While she reaches for some examples Kai shoots a glare his way but Soobin simply flashes a grin in return. Unbeknownst to the conflict between them, she shows Kai three different toys, fitting the specifications of not smooth and not plastic. "Do you like it to be more realistic in design or something a bit more abstract?"

"Realistic."

"That's cool," she says offhandedly and puts away one of the three she had picked out and replaced it with another, a third realistic one – in shape that is, one is black, one is purple and the third she picked up is pink.

"I don't—not that one," he half-points at the pink one. Soobin snorts, the color must bring back a lot of memories.

She smiles. "No pink. Got it." She replaces it with another from the shelf, a blue one. "What about the size? And you should consider both the width and the length."

That is when Kai really starts to pay attention and he is getting into the process. Soobin simply idles by with a smirk on his face, listening in on the exchange as she helpfully continues to aid him in the search. He’s not surprised that his younger boyfriend expresses a preference to a size that is close to his – although he doesn't reveal that to the clerk of course. In the end she holds three different toys that match Kai's wishes and then explains the different 'mechanical abilities' of the toys and recommends the first two over the third because they have more settings varying not only in the speed and intensity of the vibrations, but also with a range of pulsations. It’s down to those two and Kai ends up picking the one that was a little more sizable than his own member in terms of girth.

"Great, this one it is!" She puts the models away and gets a new one sealed in the box. "That wasn't so difficult, was it?"

Soobin snickers. "No, it wasn't 'hard' at all."

"We actually have training on our first day to avoid using that word," the clerk responds with a wink. "Was there anything else you were interested in?"

"Well, I was looking around a bit and I think I want one of those," Soobin nods at an item on a shelf on the other side of the aisle.

"The clear Fleshlight?" She reaches for it.

"Yeah. At least—not to be blunt but, it doesn't look like a vagina, right?"

"Nope, it's just a hole."

"Cool, yeah. I'll take it."

"Excellent! If you'll follow me to the cash register, I'll ring these up."

When they walk, our shoulders brush together and Soobin can tell he’s doing it on purpose. They slow down their pace to create some distance between us and the enthusiastic clerk and he remarks quietly: "See? That wasn't bad right?"

"Not bad, no. But it is ' _hard_ '," he whispers in response.

Soobin snakes his hand out and inconspicuously touches the front of jeans when he’s sure no one is looking. "Wow. Yes it is."

"Would you like me to gift-wrap these?" The clerk asks from behind the counter.

"No thanks." Soobin steps up to the register to pay for the two items and gets them handed in a black plastic bag. "Thanks a lot for your help."

"You're welcome. Enjoy." She waves them off with a grin.

Once they are outside the store Soobin reaches out and ruffles his fluffy hair. "You wanna go home and play?" he teases.

Kai pouts, and then; "Maybe we should probably get something to eat first."

“Well, I do, in fact, want to eat something.” Soobin says while eyeing him.

Kai turns bright red again. “Shut it, you pervert.”

As soon as they arrive at their apartment they grope each other in the elevator, more teasing pinches than anything else. Kai’s mouth tastes of lemon ice tea, the drink he had ordered with his meal and when he kisses him back, Soobin can feel that his lips were formed into a smile. Once inside the apartment the little minx is all over him, kissing him greedily and starting to unbutton his jeans. The haste is similar to what it felt like when Soobin first arrived in Jeju and it thrills him more than he thought it would.

Soobin presses their forehead together. "Our little shopping trip really got you riled up, huh?"

"It's all your fault. You better make it right," Kai mumbles accusingly against his lips.

Soobin stops his hand from opening up his fly and pushes him back slightly. "Go freshen up," he instructs, knowing he would know what I meant. He dips his head down and purrs into his ear: "I'm going to fuck you, suck you, and lick you all over."

Kai swallows audibly in anticipation. His face is a bright red but Soobin knows it’s the kind of embarrassment that prickles him in a good way. He nods and leaves for the bathroom, locking the door behind him. Soobin doesn’t really mind the risk of a bit of mess in those spontaneous moments because it’s never to an extent that it was off-putting, but sometimes he likes it when they take the time – or rather, make the time – to do things properly.

Soobin goes into the bedroom and prepares one of their new toys. The purchase he’d made for himself is tossed into his suitcase – he'd save that experience for when he’s alone. At the moment he’s too focused on his boyfriend to be interested in it anyway. While Soobin waits, he dresses down to his underwear and straightens out the sheets. He gets hard again contemplating all the things he wants to do to his cute little boyfriend and it’s a battle of will to not touch himself.

The bathroom door opens and Kai steps out with nothing but a towel hanging loosely off his hips. Well, not cute anymore, not with that body, but he still has that boyish look around him with his flushed cheeks and wide doe eyes. Soobin understands it'd be awkward and uncomfortable, but they both agreed it’s worth the extra effort.

Soobin smiles at him, to put him at ease. "Hey, baby. You ready?" Kai nods but is rooted in place by the doorway, flushing even redder.

"You know what? I'm going to take a shower first," he says. Soobin approaches him and with his hands on his shoulders directs him to sit on the edge of the bed. "You relax for a minute, okay?" Kai nods again and he tousles his hair.

It’s his turn to occupy the bathroom, but he leaves the door wide open and doesn't close the frosted glass door to the shower stall. From where he’d strategically placed his boyfriend on the bed, Soobin knows Kai can see him, but he pretends that none of it is on purpose and that he’s pretty much unaware. Without glancing out the door even once, Soobin strips down naked and steps under the hot spray of water. His hair would definitely get wet, but it doesn't matter to him much. He only hates going to bed with wet hair because it would make a damp spot on the bed that is uncomfortable for either of them to lie in, but they won't be sleeping anytime soon anyway.

Soobin makes a show of soaping up his body,running his hands up and down his naked body, and occasionally stroking a fist down his half-hard dick. His fingers idly trace the shapes of his abs, pleased that he’s still in good shape despite the lack of training. It pleases Kai as well, he knows. When his body heats up too intensely, Soobin twists the thermostat on the shower and briefly douses himself with cold water. Then he turns off the water and gets out of the stall. He dries himself off with a towel, still in his boyfriend's line of sight. He uses the mirror above the sink to sneak a peek at him and bites back a moan at the sight of him. He has eased himself back on one elbow, the towel that covered him before is gone, as he languidly strokes his erection. Despite his apparent embarrassment, Kai’s gaze is fixated on him.

When they make eye-contact in the reflection, Soobin’s game of pretense is up. He smirks at him.

"You want this, baby?" he asks while still stroking his enormous dick.

Kai rolls his head back, whining. "Stop teasing and just fuck me!"

Soobin squeezes as much water from his hair as he could and then joins him in the bedroom, naked and unabashed. The way Kai’s face turns an even deeper shade of red as he stalks towards him is thrilling. Soobin lowers himself onto his knees between his spread legs and firmly places his big hands on his meaty thighs, spreading them a few inches more.

Kai lets go of his manhood and Soobin is quick to replace his grip with his own, forming his fist around the base. His thumb is poised over the pulsing vein running up the underside. With a splayed hand on his abdomen, he urges him to lay back and then lets the hand wander further up his torso. Soobin runs his rough palm over his pink and pert nipples; Kai lets out a pleasant sigh, but the sound morphs into a tormented moan when he drags his tongue over the head of his erection without warning.

Soobin knows Kai needs release if he wants to have all the time in the world to have his wicked way with him, so he pulls him into his mouth and treats him to what he hopes would be the best blowjob yet, applying every trick they have discovered and learned together. Sometimes it still shocks him how long it had taken him to figure out he’s into men – into Kai specifically. Performing oral sex on him is such an intense, intimate pleasure.

They have had discussions about their transition from a heterosexual sex-life to a homosexual sex-life and how things weren't 'as different' for Soobin as the dominant, giving partner, but that observation neglected to take into account just how much he loved having his cock as part of the play. Soobin had always been pretty content with his female partners, but after taking that leap with Kai, he couldn't imagine ever fully being satisfied with sex without 'the other dick'. He loved having him in his mouth, hearing and feeling him respond to his ministration. And when he fucked Kai it’s a thrill to have his dick in his hand, or watch him jerk himself off. The greatest turn-on of all was watching him come, seeing those ribbons of milky white semen on his unblemished skin and those last pearls dripping from the reddened, hypersensitive head.

And it’s still the greatest turn on. Soobin intends on getting him off swiftly so they can move on to phase two. He moves his head up and down rapidly, sucking hard on him and applying the right amount of pressure with his tongue.

Kai, unaware of his plan, makes a weak pull against his wet hair. "Soobin, wait… Nggh… I'm so close. I'm so c-close…"

Soobin chuckles around him.

"Binnie I'm not joking! I'm gonna—" He doesn't even get to finish his sentence. Kai tosses his head back and arches his back off the bed. Fingers twist into his hair, holding him in place as he spills on his tongue.

With a sense of accomplishment, Soobin bobs his head up and down a few more times once his grip on his head loosens, then releases him from his mouth. The member falls back onto his taut abdomen; he gives the head to a few more licks before crawling up his body to share his taste with him in a deep kiss.

"Hmmm… That was amazing but don't tell me I cleaned his ass for nothing."

Soobin chuckles breathily. "Don't worry. This was just to ensure you'd make it through what I plan to do to you." he straightens up and instructs him to move up to the center of the bed and lay down on his stomach.

Kai moans as he moves, but does as he’s told. The new toy and the lube are both on the nightstand. He grabs them and puts them on the mattress before situating himself between his legs. He has Kai’s hips angled, exposing himself for all to see. Soobin bends forward and traces light kisses on both smooth cheeks and his perineum. He breathes heavily and at times lets out a soft gasp.

"You comfortable, Angel?"

"Hmmm…"

"Don't fall asleep."

Kai giggles. "I won't."

"No, you won't." Soobin agrees. He spreads his ass cheeks and runs his pointed tongue up to his opening. Rimming isn't something they used to do, but ever since trying it first a couple of months ago, it’s apparent that they both liked it. They didn't do it often and of course, they only did it when Kai was clean. He objected to the idea at first, but for Soobin it’s no different than performing oral sex on a girl – actually that got messier, with all the extra bodily fluids.

Some days Soobin just feels like worshipping Kai and he likes there’s no level of intimacy left unexplored between them – they have done it all. Those experiences reaffirm that they have already found the best way for them to be together sexually: Soobin likes worshipping him with his mouth and his fingers, drawing all kinds of different sounds from him; and Kai finds the ultimate release in letting go of his control and letting himself be overwhelmed. A totally good match, no, a _perfect_ match.

Soobin alternates his tongue with his fingers, making sure to take his time. Kai rocks his pelvis into the mattress, getting hard again and seeking friction.

"Wanna meet your new friend?" he teases.

Kai moans in response.

Soobin sits up and pours lube onto the silicone toy. "We should probably name it this time."

"Binnie.” he whines into the pillow. “Not this again,"

"Something sexy…" Soobin muses out loud, totally ignoring him. "Like, Daniel." he pumps his closed fist over the vibrator to spread the lube, feeling the exaggerated veins and the thick head. "Or maybe Jun. Juns are trustworthy – I bet you could always count on Jun to fuck you when you need it." he runs it through his cleft, with no intention of giving it to him yet.

Kai groans. "You're a weirdo, Choi."

"Ah, maybe Choi? Nah, that sounds too common. Hmmm…" He ponders the options while pushing the bulbous head against the awaiting opening, trusting the anticipation will drive his lover mad. "What about Leo? Your star sign. A feral, doggy-style fuck comes to mind… You like doggy-style right, baby?"

Kai sinks his teeth into the pillow but manages: "I hate you so much right now." He pushes back against the toy, but unlike the previous toy, it won't slip inside him quite so easily, not until he decides to push it in.

"Terry?" he stares at the midnight blue toy. "Nah, that’s Taehyun’s English name. That's not right. Maybe Seongwha? A Seongwha would give up a bicep for a cock like this." he adds a little more pressure, but still not enough to stretch him open. Finally, he decides: "Well, Leo that is. Yeah, this definitely seems like the cock of a Leo. The kind of Leo that wears flannel shirts, builds his own cabin and can fuck you all night."

"Great, now that the introductions are out of the way, let's skip the flannel and the cabin-building part and go straight to fucking all night," Kai grinds out.

"But what if Leo wants to tease you a little more?"

"Nnn… I don't think Leo is the type for teasing. He'd just pound into me."

"You're probably right." Tightening his grip on the end of the toy he pushes harder and watches the thick, blunt head stretch the opening and be welcomed inside.

Soobin doesn’t give him any time to adjust and inches the toy all the way into him, going in slow so he can appreciate every swollen vein, and so he won’t hurt his boyfriend. Less than an inch is left sticking out of him, only enough so he can control the settings. It’s measurably bigger than him, though not extremely so; still, it’s the biggest he’s ever had. Soobin kisses his ass cheeks and fondles his balls; the toy is undisturbed so he can properly enjoy it. And he clearly is enjoying it, moaning senselessly and clenching his muscles around it.

"Do you like Leo?" Soobin asks after a moment

"Yeah," he whimpers pathetically in response. "Leo is good."

Soobin crawls over him, covering his body with his. He rocks against him – luckily Leo's base has no sharp edges or he would have hurt himself – causing the toy to move ever so slightly; that is enough to elicit more wonderful moans and gasps.

"I want you to think about this moment whenever you use it. About having just come in his mouth. About his tongue wetting your hole. About his fingers massaging your prostate. About this toy stretching you for the very first time…"

Kai whines even more. "I'm still going to miss you."

Soobin kisses his neck. "I'm going to miss you too, Angel. So fucking much. But it's not going to be like before. Let's promise each other that. Not another one hundred days like that."

"I promise. I promise."

"And I promise you too." he reaches down and blindly presses the biggest button on the toy, having familiarized himself with the functions and buttons while he’s in the bathroom. 'Leo' buzzes to life with intense, pulsating vibrations.

Kai releases a high-pitched moan and bucks against the mattress. Soobin kisses and licks his way back down his spine. He works the toy in and out of him while fiddling with the settings. He sets it to a powerful on-and-off rhythm of vibrations and fucks him with it with a matching pace, synchronizing the inward thrusts with the onset of the vibrations, enhancing the sensation of the penetration and the friction of the long shaft while at the same time using his other hand to pleasure himself.

"Can you come like this?" Soobin needlessly asks. It’s readily apparent Kai is close to another orgasm.

"Y-Yes."

Encouraged, Soobin continues doing what he’s doing but he reaches a hand behind his back and grabs his wrist, immobilizing his hand.

"Please… Finish me off with your cock."

Soobin nods stupidly and retracts the toy, thinking to switch it off before tossing it aside and effortlessly replacing it. Kai’s hole is slick with an excess of lube and perfectly stretches to be fucked hard. Soobin doesn’t have to hold back out of concern of hurting him. He maneuvers himself up on his knees, pulling him up on all fours, and thrusts into him with wild abandon. All the right sounds pours out from Kai’s lips, drowning out the noise of their flesh slapping together.

Soobin puts his arm around his waist and straightens him up. Kai cocks his head, looking back at him over his shoulder with clouded, droopy eyes. All he wants to do in that moment is to kiss him, so Soobin does. He pauses the movements of his hips so he can fully focus on the passionate kiss. His erection throbs, but he ignores it for as long as he can.

Eventually, Kai topples forward and drags him down with him. They end up on the sides – Soobin behind him, his dick still inside Kai’s tight hole. The mood changes and Soobin makes love to him slowly as he croons his name. He has his arms wrapped around him: one hand is splayed on his midriff, feeling both the tension in his obsession as well as his sharp breath; the fingers of the other absentmindedly toys with a nipple.

Kai mewls at the double pleasure he’s currently receiving. "I can't-…! I can't-…! Nnn… Ahh!" He spills onto the sheets, untouched, the way he did the very first time they had sex, and rarely after that.

Soobin changes up their position again, rolling him onto his back and settling between his thighs. He hooks his ankles behind his back and watches his face intently, able to focus on the expression of pleasure on his features in the aftermath of his orgasm. He alternates clenching and relaxing the intimate muscles that grip his manhood. With a shuddering exhale and a soundless moan, Soobin reaches his climax. It’s so intense that tears prickled in the corner of his eyes. Sooibn bites into Kai’s shoulder and digs his fingernails into his hip.

"Oh fuck…" He lets out a breathy chuckle. "Was that good, baby?"

Kai turns his head and beckons him to a kiss. Who’s Soobin to refuse? They engage in a lengthy, lazy kiss, and once satisfied Soobin pulls back and rolls his younger boyfriend onto his stomach and crawls down his body. Licking him clean is so much better than having him leave the bed right after sex; he wants to keep his baby close as long as he can. Kai mewls into the pillow as he kisses his way up his spine and nuzzles his nose into his hair, inhaling the smell like a drug, which it might as well have been, considering what it does to him. Riding the most pleasant high, Soobin settles beside him and greedily gathers him in his arms. Reluctantly Kai faces him, his cheeks a bright red, giggling sheepishly at his own embarrassment.

"I'm going to miss you, baby." Soobin says, even though he doesn't really want to bring up the fact that he’s leaving the next. But he feels it so strongly, so it has to be said. When his boyfriend remains silent he teases: "Aren't you going to miss me?"

Kai sticks his tongue out playfully. "Meh. I have Leo now." He laughs when Soobin pinches his nipple as punishment and tries to fight him off but he won't let go of him.

“Binnie?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m gonna miss you too.”

They bid their goodbyes the next morning before Kai leaves for work. He claims he couldn’t get the time off to take him to the airport, but Soobin knows he just doesn't want to see him off and it’s for the better. He doesn't think he'd be able to go if he has to walk away while Kai watches him leave with those sad eyes of his.

It’s better this way.

Still though, Soobin stares at the closed door for a minute or two after he’s gone. He’s seriously considering unpacking his suitcase and staying right where he is, surprising him with a home-cooked meal when he comes home from work. But it’s not the right thing to do – as tempting as it feels. It would just take them back to where they had been – and it’s not a good place – with not a good outlook for the long term.

A cab takes Soobin back to the airport and after a two-hour delay, he’s in the air, on his way back to Seoul. At some point midway he feels a shift: he feels himself detaching from Jeju, like the elastic that tied him there snaps in two, and just like that, it’s not home anymore. It’s not 'our apartment' anymore.

Jeju is 'Kai's place', and Seoul is 'his place' again; his home.

As much as that rings true, it doesn't change how he feels about Kai, nor how he feels about their relationship. If possible, he feels even more. They can do this: They can keep loving each other, even while they are apart. It would be difficult for them both, but they can handle it, and they _will_.

And without him realizing, life goes on. Soobin arrives back at SIA and is assigned his dorm room. His roommate, Lee Daehwi, is a soft-spoken guy studying fashion design. He lets him know right off the bat that he won't be around much; most nights he spends at his boyfriend's place. That is perfectly fine with him. For that reason, he offers him the top bunk and he smiles as he’s reminded of how he and Kai would fight at the start of every academic year to claim the top bed. Those memories make Soobin all the more confident that their relationship is strong enough to make it through this long-distance ordeal.

After a late, take-out dinner, he plants his ass in the desk chair and waits for Kai to call him. Soobin had asked him to call as soon as he got home, knowing it would be a lonely and miserable moment for him and he'd need some support. As he waits, he pulls out his sketchbook from the drawer he placed it in. With the set of quality pencils that are part of his Christmas gift, for the first time in a long time, Soobin starts to draw again.

He’s completely lost track of time; when his phone rings he’s shocked to see it’s nearly midnight – and realizes his roommate really isn't lying when he said he would be spending most nights with his boyfriend. He answers the call with: "Hey, Angel."

"Hi." He sounds decidedly less chipper than him, but tries to hide it.

"Did you just come home?"

"No—Well, maybe… a half an hour ago."

Soobin toys with the aquamarine pencil in his hand. "Why didn't you call right away?" The note he left in the apartment had specifically asked him to do so. But politely. With a wink.

"It was weird coming home to an empty place," he admits. "I guess I just needed a moment."

Soobin nods sympathetically. "I get it. It's weird here too."

Kai sighs. "I forgot how different your voice sounds over the phone."

He lets out a laugh but then it hits him it might not have been a lighthearted joke, but hints at a more serious issue. Is Kai already regretting this decision?

"Baby, are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"It's quite the adjustment, huh?"

He chuckles bitterly. "Yeah, definitely."

"It's going to be different this time, Kai," Soobin assures him. "It's not going to be like before. I think last time we got complacent because we kept telling ourselves it was only for one summer anyway, so we kept skipping weekends. We know it's going to be longer now, and I think that is actually going to be different in a good way; we know damn well we shouldn't cancel our weekends together."

"But what if things get in the way again? Work. School," he counters.

"It doesn't matter, even if you have to work a weekend, I'm still going to come over. At least we'll have the evenings and nights together. And if I have to stay here to finish a project, you should just come too. Every hour we manage to steal will be worth it."

"You're right." He sounds more optimistic.

Soobin is glad to have been able to make him feel better. He doesn't doubt there would be days when Kai would have to return the favor and keep him from dropping everything and moving back to Jeju, but that is part of what would make this long-distance-relationship work: them reminding each other that being apart doesn't take away their love for each other. Both of them have things they need to do, people they need to become. They are still young – there is a lot of personal growth ahead and if they don’t allow each other that growth, then it would be the thing that could break them apart.

"Have you eaten yet?" he asks, just to pull himself from his own musings.

Kai laughs softly. "Yes, Mom. Yuna had pizzas delivered to the office. And we had a little going-away party for Daehyun – he's leaving our team two weeks early because the funding for his next project came through sooner than anticipated."

"It must be a relief that he's finally gone."

"It is, but things have been better ever since that 'thing' at the bar anyway. Thanks to you."

Soobin smiles widely, relieved that he hadn't fucked things up for him. He hopes the atmosphere in the workplace will further improve now that Daehyun is gone and Kai will get new and exciting opportunities within the team and the company, if he’s able to get out of his shell a bit and stand up to Hoseok's slave-driving-ways.

They talk for a little longer, in spite of the fact that they don’t really have much to say after only one day apart, but it’s good to hear his voice and make him laugh, even if it’s that tired laugh that he always has at the end of a trying day.

Before they bid their goodbyes, Soobin reminds him: "I'll see you in two weeks. I already booked his flight."

"I know."

"Until then, say hi to Leo for me, would you?"

"I will." Kai giggles breathily into the receiver and it pulls out a smile across Soobin’s face. God, he’s so fucking gone for him.

"Goodnight, Angel."

"Goodnight, Binnie.”

And just like that, Sooibn goes to bed that night feeling happy and at peace.

School is like an explosion of colors in his brain. It’s a demanding investment of time and effort, but Soobin is never short of drive nor inspiration. As promised, he and Kai have their weekends together every two weeks, even when they don’t have the weekend off. Most of the time Soobin goes back to Jeju and spends his time there because Daehwi breaks up with his boyfriend so he’s home all the time. He'd pack his suitcase with his art supplies and work on his assignments during the day when Kai is required to be at work anyway. The evenings are spent curling up on the couch together. The nights are spent making love. In the morning on Sundays they go for a run – only three miles; that is as far as he could manage. And they usually end the day by sharing either the shower or the bathtub on lazy Sunday afternoons, before he would fly back to Seoul.

They never cancel. Not even once. Not even when it’s more convenient. Not even when Kai comes to Seoul and they have to rent a hotel room to have some privacy; he has to spend most of the day wandering through the city while Soobin is taking extra classes or going on a mandatory excursion.

Due to the intensive nature of the two-year program, Soobin doesn’t have much of a summer vacation, only two weeks completely free from classes. The rest of the summer he has classes three or four days a week, but they make good use of the extra time. Then it’s back to one weekend every two weeks and time flies by.

100 days – Kai is promoted.

Another 100 days – They went to Yeonjun and Beomgyu's wedding in France.

Another 100 days – Soobin solds his first work of art at a public art exhibition.

Another 100 days – Soobin is offered not one, not two, but a choice of six different jobs pending graduation with high pay.

It’s amazing yet scary at the same time. His plan had been to return to Jeju after graduating; as well as things had worked out for them in this long-distance-relationship, it’s never supposed to be a permanent arrangement.

Another hundred days – Kai cancels for the first time.

Soobin is supposed to fly to Jeju next week, but his boyfriend all but tells him not to and leaves no room for argument. He won't tell Soobin _why_ and he feels sick to his stomach. Kai had sounded very excited about the career-opportunities that are offered to him, but maybe he shouldn't have told him after all. It seems like he begins to worry about the same thing: Kai is building a life in Jeju, and he’s building a life in Seoul.

Will their two lives ever meet again?

Soobin is in class, but he can’t focus. He holds his phone under his desk and keeps staring at the last message: Kai’s response to him trying to convince that he should come over for the weekend anyway.

_Don't come._ _I'm serious._

Every time Soobin reads those curt words, a shiver runs down his spine. Short, no cute kamojis; has he stretched it too far? He searches his memories, trying to remember when there could have been a moment that something had changed – that Kai is no longer happy, that Kai couldn't take it any longer.

Soobin can't find such a moment. Kai is a poor liar and an even worse actor, but maybe he just hasn't been paying attention? But he had!

…hadn't he?

A new text message is delivered.

_Are you in class?_

Soobin pauses. _Technically_ , is his reply.

_When do you get off?_

He frowns. _Why?_ As he presses send Soobin has a quiet panic attack, expecting him to respond along the lines of: _we need to talk_. The dreaded 'we need to talk'. God, how many times had he texted that line to one of his short-lived girlfriends?

_I need to see you._

His previously quiet panic attack is about to become very loud – right in the middle of the lecture – when it hits him. Kai _wants_ to _see_ him?

Soobin replies quizzically: _Video call?_

There is a pause. For whatever reason he imagines Kai shaking his head and laughing at that. The younger man _hates_ video calls, said they are unnecessarily awkward, but he suffers them for his sake because some evenings Soobin just needs to see his pretty face while talking to him over the phone.

_I'm outside_ , he replies.

Soobin jumps up from his seat and everyone looks at him. "Excuse me, Professor Taehyung, I need to go."

He looks genuinely concerned watching him gather his books. "Is something wrong?"

"Yes—No! I men, God, I hope not," he rambles. With his books in his arms and his empty bag over his shoulder Soobin scurries out of the auditorium.

_Outside?_ That was kind of vague. _Outside where?_ He decides to walk past several side exits and go through the main entrance of the building. The landscaped yard out front is the colorful foreground to the redbrick façade that is prominently featured on every campus-photo.

It’s where Kai has come to meet him before. Soobin figures it will be the most logical place for him to be.

Sure enough, there he is.

Without any care for his textbooks Soobin drops them to the ground and races towards him. Before Kai could say something that would break his heart, Soobin wraps his arms around him in the tightest hug. Seeing him at that moment is like seeing him again for the first time after those awful 100 days, but in reality it had only been two-and-a-half weeks since they last saw each other.

When Soobin finally manages to detach himself, he looks Kai in the eyes and searches for answers. He looks excited and happy and that only puzzles him further.

"What are you doing here? Why did you cancel? Why didn't you answer my calls? What's with these cryptic messages?"

Kai blinks his eyes at his scatter-brained questions. "I, well, I wanted to tell you I got another promotion?"

Soobin blinks back at him before he smiles. "That's… That's great! But I still don't understand…"

"You're looking at the newest senior technician at Blue Hour." Kai ceremoniously produces a business card from the breast pocket of his button-up shirt and shows it to him, looking so happy and excited like a puppy.

"Blue Hour?" he mumbles. The name sounds familiar, but it’s not the name of the company he worked for for the past two years. Then it hits him: it’s the company that one of Kai's coworkers mentioned – his old workplace – and it’s—

"Yep! It's in Gangnam. About a one hour drive from here." Soobin is absolutely stunned and Kai seems like he enjoys seeing him speechless and shell-shocked. He smugly continues. "And we should go. I've made appointments to look at a couple of apartments in Yeoksam Dong. It's almost exactly halfway between Dongdaemun and Gangnam – that is, if you think that's a good idea."

Soobin’s face breaks into a smile. "Well, fuck, Kai Kamal Huening, you really are a genius…" But then he bites him in the shoulder. "You little shit, you scared the fuck out of me!"

"I'm sorry, I wanted it to be a surprise," Kai pouts, batting his ridiculously long eyelashes to him. “Forgive me?”

"Well, consider me surprised," Soobin breathes, exasperated. He still can hardly believe it.

"Consider me bruised, then." he whines, rubbing his offended shoulder.

Soobin winks. "I'll kiss it better."

"You should. I left Leo in Jeju – I'm all yours now," Kai teases him back in response.

"Aww, you guys made such a cute couple. What happened?”

"He wouldn't return his calls." He feigns a sad, pitiful look, complete with the fake tears and pouty lips.

Soobin scoffs comically. "What a bitch.” he drapes his arm around Kai’s shoulders as they walk off campus. "Hmm, it's going to be a shame that we'll be living together again."

"Oh?"

"I'm going to miss the phone sex."

Kai laughs and pulls him into a kiss. Against his lips he mumbles: "Whatever happened to 'Come back to me; make me whole. I will make love to you properly'?"

There’s no way Soobin can forget about that. He remembers those words like the back of his hand, so he smiles.

"And I will.” he grins. “So, what are we waiting for?”

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone, long time no see!! After months I'm finally back with another sookai onsehot. I actually planned to post this one back in October but I got carried away and this monster was born. For real tho, the words count surprised me as well, it even passed Indemnification and I thought 28k+ is a lot….
> 
> So I guess I’m trying something new again? I don’t think I’ve ever written an established relationship before, let alone a long-distance one, so this has been a fun experience! My previous fic are mostly angst and comfort so I dunno how you guys feel about the sudden change…. but out of all my works, I think this one really embodies sookai’s relationship the most. They just scream domestic couples all the time I get jealous when I see them!! (ノωヽ)
> 
> Well anyway thank you so much for reading and please tell me your thoughts after you finished, I would love to hear your comments after writing such a long story! See you in my next, and next, and next work :)


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